We shall titillate with our calves.

I shall begin by apologizing….. oh whatever, I’ll cut the speechy crap. I actually wanted to apologize for not answering comments but I do realize that none of you missed me in the maniacal (and increasingly bizarre) comments section of my last post so boo-effng-hoo.

Moving on (clears throat), I wanted to revisit my love for self-appointed-culture-police-neanderthals in a congratulatory post, for surpassing my wildest expectations with respect to ‘cultural’ hypocrisy and all-purpose delusion when it came to ‘moralistically’ judging other desi’s (read: desi girls). This of course will finally lead them to their dearest target: ME and my equally raunchy pastime of swimming (whore!).

So this post is a bathing-suit instructional for the moronic, English-vocabulary-challenged, generally pseudo-sanctimonious, self appointed desi-culture police freaks at my university.

So let us dive into it (heh), shall we?

The tank suit of the 1920’s:

Look at this bathing suit O’ medieval freaks. This was worn in the twenties. You heard me right,the twenties. The tank suit was a figure hugging (oh the horror, THE HORROR) one-piece jersey suit, meant to aid a woman while swimming. Of course, we all know that you really don’t care about the fact that a woman stays afloat or drowns in the pool as long as she is covered from head to toe in flowing cumbersome material, and with your broad-minded views I know that you consider swimming as a degenerate act in itself, but may I suggest a happy medium?

This brings us to,

Victorian and Edwardian swimwear:

Wholesome, modest and utterly safe, on land that is. In water...well who cares about choking or drowning in those dark flannel (yes, flannel) bathing dresses, eh? Besides, this magnificent bathing gown is belted AND you wear pants underneath for a touch of style and class. Wearing pants under the heavy, dark flannel dresses also doubles as a covering for those titillating body parts that women possess and men lust over: CALVES.

So what do you say MF’s (medieval freaks)?

Obviously, I love to revel in my transgressions, so a tankini or a one-piece suit (like the ones below) are just unacceptable and plain wrong to you MF’s, but ogling at the swim team and passing lewd comments in Hindi like “Dekh, dekh! Itney saarey maal! Arey yaar, mujko kuch ho raha hai!”(Loose translation: oh look! Such yummy looking babes! Man, ahh! I can feel something happening to me!) followed by sniggers and lip smacking sounds, while we practice in the pool is A-ok and completely lucid and acceptable. Gosh, but I digress.



We have now reached a weird paradox. Evidently I cannot stop indulging in sin and quitting swimming is out of the question. And you will not rest until you spuriously gossip and spread vile well meaning rumors about me to every desi you come across (accosting desi’s you don’t know from Eve is not deranged behavior but a very socially acceptable and reliable method of passing on ‘important information’ about my pornographic one piece swimsuit). So how do we attain the elusive grey area or middle ground, so to speak? The answer lies in this ingenious conception: wholesome wear.


Because this is what I am supposed to be wearing to erm, preserve my modesty (although I do see a hint of knee, sigh) and a bathing suit which resembles a cross between a mumu and a cropped kaftan MF's, will fit your lofty ideals of purity and sinless-ness perfectly.

And you are not alone in your endless pursuit of misogynistic a-holeness making immoral women see the light. As Joan Ferguson (head of marketing for wholesome wear) says,

I'm very surprised at the men who call because they don't want their wives and daughters running around in their underwear.

Ahh, how caring! It must be nice to know that your degenerate brand of sexism is alive and well, in amrigaa no?

So what do you say O' medeival freaks? Will you leave me alone if I wear a bathing tent suit which prevents me from showing off my dirty parts like hips, legs, arms, back etc? Will it stop tarnishing your innocence (left at the door of course, while visiting a stripclub) ?

Please let me know MF's.

As for me, I'm off to indulge in a wild swimming practice session of pornographic propotions, what with 12 girls in tankini's and all.......

its practically an orgy.


Sriram said...

Umm.. can we have a review of the Bikini please? with pictures too? so that our MF's can learn about the *shocking* sins of those mortals who wear them?

Drops Of Jupiter said...

Oh no!

There is swimwear like this? Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Now, if you excuse me, I'm off to burn my string bikinis... it's my sacrificial offering at the altar of womens' modesty.

And cover up your ankles damnnit!

WishfulThinker said...

I 'll quietly get in my two bits right at the beginning before the deluge starts!! ;) What I was expecting really was a logical progression to the two piece and then the bikini (I think Sriram already pointed that out!) and then the micro bikini and all that jazz music babe!!! Tsk...tsk...You're slipping babe!! :D (And as an interesting aside apparently there's a label that makes bikinis that cover only 10% of the female anatomy. But numbers aside, I saw them being modelled on fTv and gaaaawwwwwwwwwwddddddddddd!!!!!!!! Enuff said I think ;)) And I haven't seen Moadine around in a while...hope all's cool with her?

Drops Of Jupiter said...

I finally found it!


woo hoo...

Now to figure out a way to cover up my whorish toes...

Drops Of Jupiter said...

Oops, babe delete that link.. my next comment is more appropriate.

Drops Of Jupiter said...

I finally found it!


Now to figure out a way to cover up those whorish toes.

The Inquisitive Akka said...

I know what you mean. We have a swimming pool in our building. People living in pool facing apartments actually have to pay more because of the view! There's no way I can get in :( But I loooove swimming!

La vida Loca said...

I am sorry you have to go through this crap with the MFs. :(
Take care gal.

Anonymous said...

oh common! I thot you shud be happy to oblige...given that this is gonna prep you for scuba diving too!! tsk tsk... never see the big picture! :)


Rohini said...

The visited the wholesome wear site and it is completely bizarre. What about men and their super-tight Speedos which can be far more revelaing and far less pleasing to the eye, if you know what I mean...

Grafxgurl said...

lol i thought the girl was wearing her school uniform !!!

i wonder why the MF's dont go after the REAL strippers on the beaches.. the ones who turn up and take off their minuscule bikinis for a complete tan.. err.. AND turn orange...lol. theyre the ones they need to run after.

not decent swim wearers!!

12 girls in tankinis!! ooohhhhhhhhh the horrrrrrrrorrrrrrr!!! lol.. :D

mohan said...

fuck the cultural police,
for all i care i think women should be allowed to go skinny dipping

Why Am I said...

crap u say this is happening where u study?!...and i thot more sense wud prevail atleast by looking around but no!i really dunno whether to feel sad at the pathetic"ness" of the situation or laugh

Anonymous said...

q1-2punk - does maal refer to women or their tits ? typical tapori speak would be "...ithne sare mamme.." and in this sentance maybe maal was used interchangably to mamme.

nice post overall!! had me in peals at

"So what do you say MF’s (medieval freaks)?"


indianpeppone said...

Have always wondered y guys have swimming trunks and girls bikini's....
but am not complaining...yet...
No wife or daughter......yet.. :)

Vincent said...

wild swimming practice session with 12 girls in tankini's


*regains respiratory functions*

Maybe you will not be blasphemed if you choose to swim in a salwar.

Yogi said...

socks and gloves, how dare you, i can see finger nail!!!face!????how in the damned world can you show your face!!?? scuba gear is the only allowed swimsuit so there!

Madame Mahima said...

err...u know that wholesome wear swimsuit? it looks EXACTLY like my secondary school pinafore! (minus the pink bits)

it never ever fails to crack me up when i hear that the very same asshole who goes around chastising women for wearing swimsuits, can happily shove aside his 'care and concern' for us degenerate females and happily go frequent a strip club.

i think the dickheads who do that seriously need a reality check. can't you see how hypocritical you're being? or are u so deep in denial?

naVee said...

What I was expecting was progression of swim wear from 20's to now, when it has become a mainstream dress (atleast in Indian music vids)...
Anyway I will make do with the " wild swimming session with 12 girls ..." whats the location .

shark said...

I am actually surprised!

I mean I can't beleive that there are people out here who pass such comments and such booing and stuff happening!

While in India itself, there are swimming pools where people come aaraamse in swim wear. Men and women together! Of course there are "only women" hours as well.. for people who are conservative.

But you know what, you should not give a damn for these people! DO you think they hoot at people only becasue they are wearing swim costumes? I am sure they do the same even if you go in 9 yards saree and an inch of your hip is visible!!!

Sanity Starved said...

Aha, new/another template since I last remember. Came from Vijayeta's post. Very very nice templates :)

Szerelem said...

You should have added bikinis. And the MF's should be sent on a European tour where they can see firshand that even one peice suits and tankinis are woefully out of fashion. Not to mention the fact that some women choose to sunbathe and frolic in water (GASP) topless.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

The cross between a mumu and a cropped kaftan one is right on target with all the layering going on this season. Please do post pics of the orgy:)

(mildly related - remember how hot madhavi looked in that bikini in Tic Tic Tic?)

Mint Chutney said...

That suit is so ....Amish.

Arvind said...

Hahaha!! Hilarious post...
Loved the pictures & I can't believe somebody actually sells bathing suits like THAT!!
(ref - wholesomewear)..

I wonder if they should implement this for men too.. Because it's mental trauma to watch a very large man in tiny trunks waddle in the pool with enough fur to put Kodiak bears out of competition..
But seriously, aren't string bikinis (and the likes) meant to attract attention?? Or does the average woman just feel completely normal & comfortable with a piece of string stretched sparsely across her body?? Just my two-pence.. :D

As for those lewd comments you hear, have you ever tried showing them the finger?

This is my first visit here... So, Hey!!
Will be back to read up more.. Provided you do update.. :)

Swapna said...

Well said... So many guys want to cover up "their girls" and then happily ogle other women at strip clubs or at the pool or whereever. Utter hypocrites.

FJ said...

"I'm off to indulge in a wild swimming practice session of pornographic propotions, what with 12 girls in tankini's and all......."
When is that happening? :)

Artful Badger said...

Heh..I know the kind of people you are talking about...

The same guy who passes these value judgements probably indulges in sundry 'extra-curricular' activities come the weekend...

People have their points of view, but its all about being consistent no?

Drops Of Jupiter said...

Why is everyone asking you where you swim..gahhh!! I wanna bitchslap someone!

(i am very very very bored at work, no thanks to you :P)

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ sriram: I am sorry. I will not sink to the depths of bathing suit perversion. *hyuk*

@ jupe: string bikinis??? You immoral woman! You are exactly the kind of person we like here! hee!

@ wishful: dream on boy! I have reveled in sin all these days, I am turning over a new leaf now, so hello wholesome wear! And moadine um, ran into a little problem, but she will resurface soon!
Thanks for asking...sniff...

@ jupe( again:P): I find wholesome wear a little revealing too! I mean hello? We still get to show our calves? How goddamn pornographic is that? So thanks! But my toes...what am I supposed to do about that? I think someone should invent swim socks or something to cover those vile body parts.

@ the inquisitive akka: :( why not? Why cant you get in? And swimming is the best no? :D

@ la vida loca: Oh I know :(. Thanks for the concern, girl. *beam*

@ guru: but the scuba diving suit is tight! That is SO indecent! tsk...tsk...

@ rohini: i know eh? And did you see the moronic 'slimming' suit in that site? I wanted to puke. And what about potbellied old men wearing tight miniscule speedos? Is that modesty? UGH. I know what you mean.

@ grafx: hahahahaha! 12 girls in tankini's.....quite the sinful imagery, no? *covers grafx's eyes*


@ mohan: ROFL!

@ why am I: oh it happens over here all the time! And I feel the exact same way too, I really dont know wether I want to laugh derisively(which is what I usually do) or feel bummed by these nuts.

@ sachin :LOL! I guess it depends on the context...hmmm

@ indianpeppone: please dont preach to your future daughter or wife, I might have to buy them bikini's on the sly....;) hehehehe.

@ vincent: there there....take a deep breath, hahahaha!

@ yogi: I know man, I want to cover all my whorish parts, dammit! *wail*

@ mahi: sometimes i get so angry, I want to push them in the pool. ARGH.

@ navee: oho! sorry, we like our privacy..better luck next time :P

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ shark: I know woman...I have gone swimming in India several times and I have NEVER EVER faced any problems....I dont know where these guys come from, obscure villages in India, probably.

@ sanity starved: thank you!

@ szerelem: Hello!

And I stopped with one- pieces and tankinis only because I am quite sure that the pseudo 'cultural' MF's cannot stomach the b.i.k.i.n.i.(the horror!)


@ shoefi: Post pics? Of the orgy? I made a video instead! I was planning on selling it to the market and making some money off it ;)
I will send you a free copy ok? *stifles laughter*

And madhavi looked really good in the bikini! I completely agree.

@ mint chutney: the creators of wholesomewear might actually BE amish, I think I read that somewhere....

@ arvind: Hullo! And since you said it so nicely, I will try to update more often. *sheepish look*


@ swapna: Of course! They are merely exercising their 'sense of entitlement' over 'their' women, so its perfectly normal. *puke*

@ fj: Like I'll tell you. Dream on...ha ha ha!

@ Artful badger: Exactly! It's the most blatant form of hypocrisy I have ever come across.

@ Jupe: LOL! Fight fight! :D

aradhana said...

fantastic stuff.. :)

unforgiven said...

I'm with Sriram :|

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ aradhana: glad you like..:)

@ unforgiven: et tu? Sniff..whatever happened to morals?



unforgiven said...

@megha: Alfred Dolittle said it best.
Morals? I can't afford 'em!

thorpey said...

Hey! a swimming post.What fun
All this commenting stuff happens where? definetely not in India.
Atleast down here they have different timings for the ladies.
Most apartments have pools where there is no such restrictions.

There are times when one's view of life is turned on it's head.
That happened when I learnt that swimming freestyle crawl was not about the pushing water back, but rather locking your hand in the water and moving your body over it.
Hope you have/had fun at your orgy.

thorpey said...

Hey! a swimming post.What fun
All this commenting stuff happens where? definetely not in India.
Atleast down here they have different timings for the ladies.
Most apartments have pools where there is no such restrictions.

There are times when one's view of life is turned on it's head.
That happened when I learnt that swimming freestyle crawl was not about the pushing water back, but rather locking your hand in the water and moving your body over it.
Hope you have/had fun at your orgy.

Vijayeta said...

Hmmm...sensible, intelligent people all :) No trolls! What horror! What boredom!

Raindrop said...

You bikini/tankini types are going to hell. To join those evil South Indian women pre-Victorian morality, who went around wearing saris with NO BLOUSES.

I saw a pic of my great grandmother wrapped in a sari with no blouse. I could see A LOT OF ARM AND ANKLE! I HOPE SHE IS BURNING IN HELL! Sorry about the shouting, you immoral types just get me really mad.

not rude guy said...

yu type out blog with pics of swim suit and you say you do not want attention how can i belive that. you are such a rude attention grabber person. did you think b4 hurting people like this?

not rude guy said...

also dont think am being stupid. i just want you to not be childish like this.posting pics of swimsuts and talking rudely is not example of adults.

Drops Of Jupiter said...

I agree with you, not rude guy,
This attention grabbing has to stop.. I mean why did she even take these pictures? This is not the sanskaar of a good naari.

Chee, I am quite hurt by this...I'm going to the temple today to cleanse myself.

WishfulThinker said...

I'm bored. I think you should remove comment moderation. :O *exits speedily*

WishfulThinker said...

:O It's been removed!!! When did this happen???? Oh joy! :D

not rude guy said...

dropz of jupiter i also know that you are just being silly and sarcsmic just like punkster. i am not a fool. i belive in moral and good behaviour and i dont think talking about underwear in swimming pool is decent. 1000 years of cleaning at temple will not do you any help at all. if you are born will immoraL values no one can help you,good luck lady you need it.

not rude guy said...

punkster you and your frends are the same. you think being badly behave is cool and great like youth of today. one day you will fall and then you will see power of morals and good conduct.let me see how you get job in the future.

Vijayeta said...

There is divine justice after all! Someone up there heard my wish and made it come true :)
A verrry warm welcome to "Not Rude Guy", a cool voice of sanity and reason amongst all of us depraved, pathetic losers!

Megha, stop swimming already!

not rude guy said...

you think am stupid. but that shows ur stipidness. nobody here wants to see or realise worth of good culture. why do we have culture in india and not america? because people like punkster and her frends have no control or decorum. vijhayeta i am npt uneducated. maybe you need to understand sarcasm before u use it on others.

Vijayeta said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vijayeta said...

* nods solemnly in agreement *

P.S. Please to correctly spell my name at least, if not other words. I feel bad :(

Scott Carney said...

Maybe someone pointed out earlier in your far too actice comments section, but I'm surprised that you didn't include a photo of modern Indian swimwear. Over here women generally jump in the water wearing full salwar suits or saris.

Bidi-K said...

and in the wholesome wear, do you swim or sink? just wondering :)

nevermind said...

May be you could ask one of these chaps out on a date (am sure they'd jump, to put it mildly). Get him drunk, take him somewhere; get him drunk further. Proceed to blindfold and tie said male to bedposts, in an, erm, cunningly mysterious way. As he slobbers in anticipation, light cunningly hidden candle, while murmuring soothing nothings about monokinis. Then proceed to drip wax from candle onto, well, the nether regions. If you are fastidious, you don't even have to look (But then if you are, this whole plan's unworkable) But this will be nice, no?

Once you have prepared a cast for the nether region sculpture (David waxed?), maybe you could invite the public to appreciate the art. And potentially send photograph to sonnyji's mummyji.

Half-joking, of course;-)

Ambar said...

WTF@ wholesome wear.

Drops Of Jupiter said...

not rude guy,

Sorry about the sarcasm buddy, but did you ever stop to wonder what is the real connection between women wearing skimpy clothes and sinning in the eyes of God? Why do you think that 1000 years of temple cleaning is a good punishment for girls like us?

Swimming is just swimming, noone is trying to "act cool", it's not a behavioral pattern indicative of our morals--people are just trying to stay afloat.

Sue said...

You know something funny? The swimwear you got in India ten years ago, gloriously enveloping, with little skirts and 'pant bottoms', usually contented itself with a thin lining layer over the chest. So your fellow swimmers had nothing left to their imaganitaions.

When my uncle got me swimsuits from the US, they were criticised for their skirtlessness and backlessness, but the fact remained they only showed as much as they were meant to.

I don't get the reasoning of my neighbours *sigh*

Sookie said...

Hey you have a nice pic of 'Death'...

Siddhu said...

Practice of pornographic proportions, it seems!!


Szerelem said...

umm...i wonder if these fanatical swimsuits are against indian culture types have ever visited some of our ancient temples where women are depicted in extremely minimal clothing? perhaps they should have looks at Khajurao where the sculptures depict people copulating? or perhaps they should read hindy mythology and realise that the godesses (forget swimsuits) swim and bathe naked?
Oh dear, have I said anything blasphemous here?

P.S :And I detest the Indian Culture argument. Such a sweeping generalisation is intself an affront to Indian cultures diversity.

Sudha said...

babe! tell me U are not rude guy! i sooo know it!

first she posts about bikinis and then posts angryly and anonymously and we just have to wait till the comments cross 200. pah! makes me feel like such a mere mortal.

atleast im a moral mortal. my swimsuit covers upto my ankles and wrists AND i wear socks and gloves. and don't waste your breath speaking of my neck and (horrors!)collorbones. i tie a scarf around my neck. u do not have to sacrifice modesty in the name of swimming, u know.
*looks on in moral silence*

Sriram said...

Umm.. so, what have I missed? Any of my favorite anons around? Or should I turn into one?

Oh and btw, thanks a ton meghs! Some desi girls got SO inspired by this post that they started jumping into the swimming pool with bloody jeans ON!!! Damn these folk!! and who am I blaming? You of course. :P :P

P.S : I wasn't even kidding about the girls getting into the pool in jeans and salwars. and this is in the US, FFS!!!

Ajay said...

romba naal appram i am visiting ur blog...so how u been doing Lady in the Water!!

Urban Bourbon Ninja said...

Damn, girl. I went through that post really carefully, thinking there'd be a pic of you in your bikini at the end :P

You should do a post a men's speedos. Mine are really tiny. But its ok, cos i'm fit-ish, and swim well. Fast too.

Oh, im almost back. I shall post soon. Didya miss me?

Abhishek said...

Very well researched and written. Adding you to my blog roll.
Its a brave new world of sin. Sin is in. I wrote a piece at http://mittalabhishek.wordpress.com/2006/08/26/75/

try it!

Anonymous said...

titilating is a sin. You will have to answer for all your sins on judgement day.

Its the work of the devil which makes you say all that. There is redemption only if you accept the "true god" into your heart.


Hiren said...

Interesting writeups and excellent photgraphs.

Imtiaz said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
that girl in pink said...

hey megha!
i can't believe the idiots you have to encounter on a daily basis.
and MF is a great acronym. of course in my head, the full form was not medeival freaks,but the other more popular full form...
keep swimming & blogging.

RefleXtion said...

how you been babe....not doing too many rounds these days, hope all's good....keep up the troll management.

and with what Urban Bourbon Ninja said... TSK TSK let us all down quite badly di!

the wannabe indian punkster said...

Ok, having neglected this blog and the comments for various reasons, which includes a bout of food poisoning AND eye surgery(really!) I can finally look at a computer screen with both my eyes(huzzah!)! So here goes,

@ Unforgiven: tsk tsk tsk!

@ Thorpey: I had super fun at the 'orgy'! And life teaches you weird lessons like that. I went through the exact same 'freestyle-crawl ping moment' as I'd like to call it, about 6 years ago!

@ Vij: I guess the following comments must have quelled your boredom! :)

@ Raindrop: I know, what can I do...I need moral-police women like you to show me the light. *bows*

@ Not rude guy: R.O.F.L.M.A.O!

Words fail me.......

@ Jupe: Go jupe! I need to go to the temple too, to cleanse myself....maybe we immoral types should band together..hmmm.

@ Wishful: *grin*...:D

@ Vij: LOL!

@ Scott: hahahaha! I have gone swimming in Madras and Ive seen women wearing the normal one-piece suit...I havent seen women jumping in the pool with their salwars on! Damn! I need to see this!

@ Bidi-k: You know, lookin at the bulkiness of wholesome wear, I wouldnt be surprised if it was the latter.

@ Nevermind: *worships*

@ Ambar: I second that! WTF at wholesomewear it is.

@ Sue: YAY! Welcome back! OMG, you serious? I was a little spoilt, so my bathing suit was 'imported'! Tch tch....I didnt know that..

@ Sookie: Thanks!

@ Siddhu: Hmmmmm...hmmm! Ok I'll stop now. Hee!

@ Szerelem: OMG, you DID say something blasphemous! How dare you use basic logic and plainly state the obvious to these fanatical indian culture types(who merely care about our society)? Tsk tsk tsk! OK I'll stop now. Hehehehehe.

@ Sudha: Wah! What morality! What presumptuousness!

@ Sriram: :O

@ Ajay: Hullo! Enna ivalov naal aa aaley kaanom?

@ Urban bourbon ninja: Ninja! Where have you been! But of course I missed you!

@ Abhishek: Why, thanks and thanks! :)

@ Clara: ROFL! Seriously, I cant take it any more! *laughs uncontrollably*

@ Hiren: Thanks!

@ That girl in pink: YAY! Youve resurfaced! I was erm actually considering the more popular full form, but since this is a family blog (ahem!) and all that, I thought I'll go with medeival freaks. ;)

@ Reflextion: Hullo da! Noooo! Dont say that. :(

tilotamma said...

No longer on your blogroll, Gawd I must be getting old ........

Aparna said...

Isn't it about or past time for another post????

KP said...

Long time ..no post..Y?

nina said...

oh dear....what in heavens would they say if you were to wear a pam and bikini?

Sue said...

Yes, I'm also being back, only to find you're being away. I do hope the eye problem has got better?

sac said...

desis should be given a culture-and-values test before they head offshore.

M (tread softly upon) said...

so are you going to post?ever?

silbil said...

take care of your eyes sunshine
and post sooooooooooon

Sriram said...

Tut tut you lazy girl! time for some life here. I'm bored without trolls :D