9/19/06

We don't care when or how many strong the foe; All we need are targets and thats all we need to know...

Smarmy tam-bram ophthalmologist (with a Thengalai Naamam* covering almost a third of his face, increasing my discomfiture and adding to the bizarreness of the situation enormously): Oh, I’m just going to inject this local anesthetic into your eyelid and your left temple. It won’t hurt at all. Just a little prick which will last for well, a minute and a half. That’s about it. And besides I don’t like to keep pretty ladies at unease for long, at least when I’m around, if you know what I mean. Hehehehehe.

[Insert shifty leer and an ingratiating simper/throaty chuckle]

Me, lying on a rubber mattress thingamajig, wearing a large, shapeless hospital shift cum mumu monstrosity (in pepto bismol pink, to make matters much much worse) and nothing else: A minute and a HALF??? Ohshitohshitohshitohshit…..

Smarmy ophthalmologist in a saccharine, puke inducing tone: Aww, I’ll hold your hand! Will that make the pretty lady feel better?

[After which he proceeds to grab my hand without waiting for an answer, knowing fully well that I would have vehemently refused]

Me: Just inject goddammit! I want this to be over and done with.

Err..ha ha…(nervous laughter).

After which he proceeds to jab the needle into my temple, and for several painstakingly LONG seconds which felt like years, he takes it out and squeezes my hand with his clammy, horrible hand (once again) and exclaims,

There! You have been good. So good. Now on to the eye lid, this will only be marginally more painful. Hehehehe.

Me (fighting down the bile which threatens to flood my throat and turn to puke): Please. Just get on with it.

Smarmy Ophthalmologist: Oh but we mustn’t hurry these things [insert shifty leer]. When I am around it becomes my paramount duty to make you feel comfortable, you hear? So no protests sweetie!

At this point the bile actually floods my throat but his holy smarminess picks this opportune moment to stab my eyelid with the needle. The shock and the pain momentarily confounds me, which in retrospect was actually a good thing as I would have puked all over his overly sterilized floor and he would have jumped at this golden opportunity to lay his hands on me (dear god)** in the name of offering ‘help’. And I don’t want to give him that cheap satisfaction.

Alright, on to the actual operation aka the saga of the defenseless punkster and the horrific eyelid squisher. The extremely powerful anesthetic for which I put up with excruciating pain and his mealy-mouthed clamminess turned out to be utterly.fucking.useless. And to make matters much MUCH worse, the super sensitive doctor who specialized in making people oh-so-comfortable actually exclaimed loudly to the nurse,

“Nurse, can you pass me the super fine blade, please? I need to slice this baby up. Hehehehe.”

And then he proceeds to turn my eyelid over (YES, you heard me!) and slice off a piece of flesh, all in a matter of seconds. I yelled out in pain, and he actually had the gall to say that I had no business reacting as the anesthetic should be kicking in. With sadistic pleasure he proceeds to pluck, pull, slice and nick the flesh under my eyelid, simpering (argh) horribly all the darn while. I bore every tug of skin, every nick and every scoop of eyelid- flesh in insufferable agony and I could actually see the shiny, razor sharp instruments being used on me. At least if he was cute in a Patrick Dempsey-ish: He’s a character from Grey’s Anatomy for those of you living under a rock, kinda way I wouldn’t even NEED anesthetic, thank you very much. Every time he sliced my eyelid flesh I would immediately grab his perfectly chiseled arm and look into his sapphire blue eyes imploringly and then he would squeeze my hand and not let go…… and OK, Ill stop my McDreamy-and-me-in-nothing-but-a-hospital-robe-fantasy right there.

Sigh, back to reality. Once the surgery was finally over and half my face was successfully swathed in white bandages and tape, his holy smarminess exclaims,

“Now that I have saved you, how about showing me your gratitude with a cup of coffee and I’ll let YOU pay. How’s that?”

I wanted to fling the tray of surgical instruments at him, but I exercised supreme control and tried to politely decline his ‘invitation’ while ignoring the fact that Mr. smarmy perv had fixed his icky gaze on my chest, and was actually talking.to.my.bosom (Ahem).

That was it. I bolted without even bothering to get a prescription. All I wanted was to get out of that blasted hospital and get away from his holy pervy smarminess, as fast as possible.

Oh, and eye surgery recovery and other horrific circumstances prevented me from posting. I guess I owe my readers (of what I have left) and all the super nice folks who inquired about my well-being an apology for not posting sooner.
Thanks y’all for asking! Sniff!

* I have nothing against Thengalai Iyengars. So dumbass comments like ‘why are you insulting Thengalai Brahmins yadda yadda’ will be put up for public humiliation, or better still; ignored.

** Yes, I have indulged in excessive bracket usage in this post. So, bite me.

74 comments:

Yogi said...

pervy doctors..what more do you need!!all for an eye operation..which i had to figure out in some two lines in the middle!

Sriram said...

How DARE you? HOW dare you? how dare YOU? (see what I did there?) You said thengalai iyengars are bad? Oh wait.. I'm not one.. oh well...

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ yogi: I know man, perv doctors are scary! *shudder*

@ sriram: yo, like get prescription glasses first! You need them(LOL)! Where did I say Thengalai Brahmins are bad? Dear god! Seriously I wont be surprised if you incite a flame war one of these days, oh wait you just did.

Anonymous said...

just when I thought that the world ran out of assholes...
If I were u, I wouldn't have needed anesthetic to be unconscious, just the thought of someone slicing my eyelid would have knocked me out

BTW what exactly happened to ur eye? anyway its good you recovered just in time for fall semester..

Sriram said...

"I wont be surprised if you incite a flame war one of these days, oh wait you just did."

Yes, I know you didn't say that, but its so much fun this way, no?

"like get prescription glasses first" *cough* *cough*.. you know what's coming, don't you? I'll spare you this time though, since I'm nice and all. :P

Scott Carney said...

Holy fucking hell that sounds awful. A doctor hit on you while he held a scalple to your eyeball? Where I'm from that usually ends in a short stint in jail.

Why why he slicing up your eye, again?

scott

Madame Mahima said...

welcome back baby!
hope the eye is feeling all better now!

ewww to pervy non-mc-dreamy doctors (if hes a pervy mc dreamy..then its ok :P)

Mycotoxin said...

that explains the long silence...
so what'll it be, eyepatch or monocle?

sorry, couldn't resist
Hope you recover fast, all de best

WishfulThinker said...

First of all there should have a bleady disclaimer about sliced eyelids and anesthesia that doesn't work. I would have poked the bloody doctor in his own bloody eye if the bleedin' anesthesia didn't work. Poked him in the eye and then kicked him in the balls. Which is what you should have done me thinks. And yeah, good to have you back babe!!! :)

Roy said...

Hi..

Like d way, u put d style of ur blog..very innovative!!

Nice to land here..
Roy

The Inquisitive Akka said...

Err...why did you have the surgery?

Raindrop said...

Where did this happen? Yindya, or Yoo Yess of Yay?

A pink hospital gown is better than a disgusting backless green one. :(

Take care, kid. :)

La vida Loca said...

hey hope u get well soon

aradhana said...

im still hereeee...get well soon! :D

aradhana said...

im still hereeee...get well soon! :D

my life.... said...

yo Megha, hope that u have a speedy recovery...in between, why u needed an eye surgery?

Vincent said...

This man is a disgrace. He deserves purest hell for what he did to you.

Welcome back :)

Adrenjunky said...

Hey Megha i have read most of your posts if not all. Most of the the times i agree with your views with respect to male behaviour. When analysed, the reasons behind this kind of behaviour range from acting cheap in order to be accepted or to dominate, a group of cheap shots(group of or couple of boys commenting during your swimming practice) to unreasonable individual cheap behaviour(Your scalpel weilding saviour). Chauvinism ofcourse runs in the blood. But i have a question for you inspite of actually enjoying every bit of that hardcore feminism that makes your posts unique and worth a read. Do they REALLY DESERVE all the publicity(The word attention would be inappropriate thanks to the growing popularity of your blog) they end up getting when you narrate these incidents? Simply because your posts mostly(not always) do not speak of what you did to make them feel ashamed of their behaviour. Also sometimes I feel you are slowly becoming a victim of your own popularity(I mean why would you want to apologise for not blogging/answering comments due to an ailment).Think about what i said and don't ever stop blogging.

Rohini said...

That was disturbing on so many levels. Pervy doctor...ugh. Clammy hands...ugh. Eyelid surgery...double ugh...

G said...

yep, the average iyengar is one smooth operator....kinda takes me back to part of my misspent kiddiehood in the high-octane bastion of smarmy iyengarhood, Srirangam....

sneha said...

ick!! wat a disastrous piece of creation passed on by our Creators as a human being! and so many more of such utter buffoons on the loose.. they must all be caught, chained and totured with himesh reshammiya music!

sneha said...

ick!! wat a disastrous piece of creation passed on by our Creators as a human being! and so many more of such utter buffoons on the loose.. they must all be caught, chained and totured with himesh reshammiya music!

sneha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
shark said...

Oouchch! That sounds so painful! If just a small eye lash falls in the eye..we wither away in pain... now a full fledged needle for anesthesia and then to scrape off some flesh and all!!! My God! too much!!!
How are you feeling now? Hope you are better... what was this operation for in the first place?

The Doc... well you should have kicked him properly before coming out.. all in the name of fighting the pain..;-)

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Sridhar: I know eh? But the fear of surgery actually had the opposite effect on me, I was so goddamn nervous and hyper, argh.

@ Sriram: ROFL.

@ Scott: You will be very surprised if I disclose my location. Oh and the surgery was for a stye in my eyelid which wouldnt go away, and it got bigger and bigger and infected and it finally burst. *phew*

So, I had to undergo surgery...I had to cut it off and scoop out the infected flesh and get it cleaned. NOT fun. No siree. :(

@ Mahi: Sistah! OOOOOOO pervy Mc.Dreamy type docs are A-ok with me! ;)

@ Mycotoxin: Yeap, that was the reason for my long break!

@ Wishful: Ohhh I would have kicked him allright, but eugh, touching any of his body parts would be barfworthy(and nightmarish!) and I'd rather not take the chance if you ask me! *shudder*

@ Roy: Thanks!

@ The inquisitive akka: Refer to my answer to Scott's comment! :)

@ Raindrop: I actually like pink, but the pepto bismol shade??? Come on now! And this one was backless too! Double ew.

@ La vida loca: Thankee!

@ Aradhana: Yay, youre still here! And thanks!

@ My life: Thanks a ton *beam* and as to why I needed eye surgery, refer to my answer to Scott's comment.

@ Vince: I know, he does deserve all that and more. I pity his patients actually. And thanks. :D

@ Adrenjunky: ROFLMAO to most of your comment, but I just want to say this. Being nice to people who actually took their time out to ask about my whereabouts is erm, becoming a victim of 'popularity'? How did you come up with this? Actually I dont even want to know. Thanks.

@ Rohini: The whole incident was UGH on soo many levels, :(.

@ G: You know, I've always had supercool and super talkative(which is a good thing!) iyengar friends, although I dont know too many iyengar boys. Hmmm....

@ Sneha: Hullo! And Himmesh Reshamwhatchamacallit's music is the worstest! That would be fitting torture! Muahahaha.

@ Shark: I am much better thank you and as to why I had to go under the knife, refer to my answer to Scott's comment! =)

Drops of Jupiter said...

Cheeee, he asked you out? Reading that itself makes me feel a little violated. But aren't doctors cute by definition? Maybe this dude wasn't. Ugh.

And I know one very cute doctor, but he is much older and I had to call him "dada" (older brother) because of family ties. He is married now. That is very sad, isn't it?

P.S. Yesterday I clicked the Patrick D link and my legs gave way.. I'm glad I was sitting. Don't ever do that to me again, I'm a working woman ya know!

Nee said...

"So no protests sweetie!" Said totally unnaturally but with a oh-i'm-so-with-it intonation?

"And besides I don’t like to keep pretty ladies at unease for long, at least when I’m around, if you know what I mean."

No. She doesn't know what you mean. None of us know what you mean. Please saar, explain. And don't leave any details out. A sexual harassment case is ALL about the details. %^&#*#$

Nee
PS - Glad that you're feeling better! :-)

Anonymous said...
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Sudha said...

OMG! Thats so cringeworthy and shudderworhty and nerve racking and...oh, i am so sorry for you, babe!

And where did this happen? US/India? Did you complain about him to the hospital or somthing? You shud, seriously!

exclusively_me said...

hey hope you're feeling much better...1 and yeh it sure made me feel real uncomfortable thinking of how that icky doc did (rather tried to do) ickier stuff ..perv!

Aishwarya said...

...so Prathap isn't going to hit on you. I don't know how you will get over the pain.
:D

Rimi said...

Fuck! And I thought the horror stories I read here couldn't get any worse.

And fuuuuck, the anasthetic didn't work either? Are you going to sue? I mean, really, are you?

Anonymous said...

generally doctors crack jokes and lighten up the mood by easing up the patient. As doctors, we look at naked patients all the time. There is nothing new about it and frankly even make doctors dont think of it as sexual. They are to diagnose and heal.

Not to say that all doctors are holy. Some cheapsters do exist. But your own feelings and emotions are not reason enough to dab someone with the cheapster tag.

You are feeling better after the surgerey dont you ? Its possible that your hypersensitive feelings may cloud your mind.

Its possible isnt it ?

Dr. indira

RT said...

How do you manage to attract such vertebrates? I mean really. :-)

Hope youe eye is better now after all the ordeal.

M (tread softly upon) said...

You're back and I hope you have recovered. This post reminded me of that eye doctor in Minority report who was all over Tom Cruise's eye. remember? It made my skin crawl.

Deepali said...

you've been tagged :)

WishfulThinker said...

You are now a Tagee. Hee..hee..

sirisha said...

Dear God, that was too painful to even imagine. I instinctively covered my eye as I read your post. The doc sounds like a complete sleazebag. I mean, true that docs do try to make small talk to help distract the patient from the pain. But usually it isn't supposed to be such that the pain of having to endure the said small talk, matches that of the actual procedure in magnitude/gross value. Besides, it was really quite unprofessional, him making less-than-subtle passes at you like that. You going to report this or something?

Am glad you're back though. Take good care and keep the posts coming :)

Tanushree said...

I can feel your disgust and horror, though maybe not the extent of your pain. I had a similar experience with a creepy dentist, who kept pawing my breasts while drilling my teeth and asking about rosogollas. Ugh!!!

APOO said...

Good it was an eyeball which needed attention and not anything else.
So once you are back to normal (which you might very well be), how do you plan to lay this piece-of-shit in name of a doctor to rest?

Anonymous said...

Hope u fully recovered...Good luck
Durga

Anonymous said...

Patrick Dempsey?! Alrite...I do live under a rock...but then..am willing to join a Patrick for 'lecher Iyengar doc substitute' campaign...but, is it too late yet?! :(

As Doc Indira says...you are just being hypersensitive...I mean..comon..."eye docs" do see naked patients all the time (Mann...tht makes me regret my career move into semiconductors...phbbbt!!)

Anyways, hope you feel better!

Regards,
Guru

sac said...

yowza.. the only worse thing i can think of is if that doc was a gynaec or a procto. eeks!!

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Jupe: Glad to be of service! Hee hee hee, you watch those knees now! Hyuk.

@ Nee: Hullo! Oh yeah, I actually considered slapping a lawsuit on his ass, but I was like Im done here...I dont want to deal with him again. GOD.

@ Sudha: Thanks yo.

@ Exclusively me: Thanks, and I do feel wayy better now.

@ Aishwarya: I cant cope, the pain is SO goddamn intense...*insert syrupy music here*...WAIL!
Not.
;)

@ Rimi: I must, mustn't I? Sigh, I cant deal with looking at his face again though! :(

@ Dr. Indira: Dear god your 'pearls of wisdom' had me in splits!
*composes herself*
Since you obviously did not get the VERY OBVIOUS point that I was making in this post and you have no idea as to what happened before and after the operation and how time and time again he proved himself to be an even bigger perv than I thought he would be, I think its best um to keep your random judgements to yourself, if you dont mind. Thanks.

@ rt: I have actually recovered quite well, considering the circumstances! Thanks!

@ m: ewewewewewew. Why m, why? Now I cant get that scene out of my mind. Eeah!

@ Dee, wishful: *shakes fist*

@ Sirisha: Hullo! Why arent you back to blogging? :(

@ Tanushree: I had a similar experience with a creepy dentist, who kept pawing my breasts while drilling my teeth and asking about rosogollas.

Oh. My. God.

Your experience is horribly creepy and bizarrely funny at the same time. And I can totally relate to it.

@ Apoo: I was just going to leave him alone, but Im having second thoughts about that....lord...

@ Durga: Thanks.

@ Guru: ROFL. Yeap Dr. Indira sure hit the 'nail on the head'(HAHA!). But there is no excuse for not knowing who Patrick Dempsey is.

No. Excuse. Atleast, you know who he is now. :)

@ Sac: no no no, dear god, dont put images in my head! Arghhhhh!

*kicks overactive imagination in the butt*

Siddhu said...

Get well soon!!

Tut tut!!! Doctor saab musta been SO shocked. Girl refusin rich brahmin Doctor in Amerigha??!!!! Perish the thought

Anonymous said...

Hmmm.. Wondering why I expected the exact kind of reaction you displayed.

I just talked about the possibility that this is all a mind play and you might be overreading things.

ultra defensive is a sure sign of "dhal mein kuch kala hai".

@Guru - Sorry to hear that semi conductor field doesent come packaged with naked women. Must have beeen really frustrating for you..

Dr. Indira

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ siddhu: thanks a ton man!

@ Dr. Indira: dhal mein kuch kala hai

rofl!

Primalsoup said...

Errr, why are we using footnotes here? :D

Anonymous said...

Indira M'am...not to worry...your "insider info" has given a vent to my frustration...thinking of becoming an ophthalmologist quack! ab aap bol sakte hain ki 'dhal mein kuchh kala hai'! lol

Guru

AYTIDA said...

get well soon brave lady!!!

i would never let anything come even close to my eye without a general anesthecia!!

and yeah....u shudve kicked that doc guy on his balls before u left his office for the way he behaved......

Why Am I said...

dont tell me this surgery was for a stye in your eye?!(poetry:P)....crap....i ahve one and am supposed to get it removed...double crap!!..i dunno which one sux more...the surgery or the doc!and where did u get urs done?!

Kroopa Shah (Kr00pz) said...

Well then, good luck and get well soon!

Deepali said...

:D

you know you want to !

p.s. the eye is better i hope?

no sign on yem-yes-yen !

chandni said...

all I can say is...u ARE brave!

I'd not let anything remotely simiar to a needle come anywhere near my temple or eye

*shudders*

get well soon girl!

mumbaigirl said...

That was the most painful thing, on several levels, that I've had to read for a long time. Hope your eye is better now.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Primal: Ok, ok I have explained myself! :D

@ Aytida: I know man...sigh.

@ Why am I: Ohh good luck girl!

@ Kroopa: Thanks.

@ Dee: I must breathe life into my em yes yen. I must.

@ Chandni: Ohh count your lucky stars woman, hopefully youll never have to go through this.

@ Mumbaigirl: I know. I had to get it out of my system though. And thans a ton. And yes, my eye is mucho better now. :)

tamizhan said...

Whenever i hear the the word thengalai or vadakalai, i get the sheepish grin on my face.. reminds me of the senthil remark.. naanga echakalai family.. :D there's the sheepish grin :D

None said...

aaaaaaarrrgggghhhhh! twice over.
hope ur o.k, "babe."! takes twice as long to recover from perversion. :(

cheers!
ramya

Ajay said...

Megha,
how r u now..was thinking u had taken a break...

Anonymous said...

get well soon! nd u hav to.. to lash those stupid pseudo-docs!!!

Anonymous said...

glad you are back!

WishfulThinker said...

Ae do the tag man. Bleady.

Ion said...

Hehe,
*bites you*
Nice post....
You've got a nice flair to your writing....

Durga said...

Do u have some one to take care of u?..parents?husband? or friends?

Sriram said...

Meh!

Artful Badger said...

Surgery on your eyelids?!....thats a first :)...never heard that one before!...the thought of it grosses me out though..

Anonymous said...

Hope you're feeling better. Glad to see you're back.

Phoenix said...

I think you had anesthesia awareness... 40000 Americans experience it every year..
http://risenphoenix.wordpress.com/2006/08/16/anesthesia-awareness/

It is more serious than you think..

Sue said...

V and his brother both had these swelling thingies sliced off their eyelids some years ago. He said the aneasthesia was completely useless.

You poor kid. Glad to hear you made it through, creepy doc notwithstanding.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Tamizhan: Rofl!

@ Ramya: Hello, hello its been a while! And thanks so much!:D

@ Ajay: Much better now, thank god. :)

@ Anon: I must!

@ 2nd anon (Can we have names please? Even arbit names are completely acceptable!): Thanks!

@ Wishful: Pannaraen da, porumai...porumai. :P

@ Ion: Thanks!

@ Durga: Roommates.

@ Sriram: Eh?

@ Artful Badger: Havent you? Really?

@ Swapna: Thanks!

@ Phoenix: :O

@ Sue: Oh thank heavens! I have company! The anasthetic not kicking in is the single most worst feeling on earth. Period.

Anonymous said...

Well-written...(Have been following your blog from time to time and enjoyed myself - you seem merciless to your 'concerned well-wishers'... :P There seem to be opportunities galore for 'eyeing'... Guess,I should have become an eye-doctor... instead of a geometer.Afterall,I'm a thenkalai fellow...:P )
-Aprameyan

Franco said...
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Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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