What really tickles my funny bone is the blatantly misogynist ‘sex advice’ parading under the shoddy cover of what women actually want from their partners during sex, when in reality its not about the women at all, its about pandering to the inner creepo-studmuffin which gives you a pretty decent picture of the male ideal which these magazines seem to wax eloquent about.
So when my friend sent me an article (gloriously titled 6 types of sex women enjoy) to brighten up my otherwise dreary Sunday, I balked and then my eyes flew open in an OMFGisthisforreal! kinda expression and then I laughed and laughed until I feared that I had contracted an aneurism from all that incessant laughter.
To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, let’s look at the first type, aptly titled seductive sex.
Chances are that your first few sexual encounters with your woman will revolve around seduction. In other words, you're going to do your damndest to charm her right into your bed.
Look deep into her eyes and "sensualize" the conversation in order to seduce her mind and get the sexual energy between you flowing.
Once you have her eating out of the palm of your hand, take her in your arms and kiss her. Lead her into the bedroom and slowly undress her. Lay her down and make love to her while keeping eye contact. Maintain a constant, steady pace and refrain from using too many sound effects. After all, you're the strong, silent type tonight.
This type of set-up is also good for when you've been together for a while and want to feel like the stud that you are, and want to remind her of that too.
Maybe I’ve been undersexed or my extremely emotional ‘female’ brain refuses to comprehend the seduce her mind bit. Pray, tell me how do you seduce a brain? And of course, it’s not too difficult to have the weak little woman eat out of the palm of your hand, just look into her eyes long enough and your superhuman powers of hypno-male-studliness will quell her virtuosity and din it into her seduced brain that you* are THE STUD tonight; after all she does want to be controlled, you’re just doing her a big favor by generously giving her what she wants. Uh-huh.
Let’s move on to type 3: Animalistic sex.
Grab her and kiss her hard, and rip each other's clothes off; it doesn't even matter if some of them stay on. Go ahead and do it doggy style on the living room floor, or prop her up on the kitchen counter if you so desire. Do it fast and hard.
Grab her hair by the roots, yell if you feel like it; just be sure to check your inhibitions at the door.
I’m not too concerned about the ‘rip the clothes’ part but I must say that I found the ‘go ahead and do it doggy style’ part ab-fucking-solutely hilarious. I mean they’re not even pretending that this article is about what kind of sex the woman enjoys! Oh no no no, fuck her in a position where YOU get the best view and the maximum pleasure! Because ultimately, all women have the deep seated need to slavishly pander to their man in whichever estimable way possible, right? Right?
Oh and I totally dig the subtle way in which men are represented as holding back their quivering inner Neanderthal, only to be unleashed by causing pain to their
This one's quick and to the point; you want an orgasm and you want it now.Yeah, let’s just completely ditch what we’ve been pretending to do throughout this article and expose ourselves for what we really mean by 6 types of sex women enjoy AKA its all about what YOU enjoy, studmuffins.
You can also get her to wear some sexy lingerie and do a little strip tease for you. She can be your naughty school girl, cowgirl, French maid; whatever turns you on.Hooo! Because that’s what SHE strives for! Slavishly ceding to your needs! Make her strip for YOUR pleasure! Because you know, when a woman knows that she’s adept at pleasuring her man, that knowledge in itself should be able to turn her on! But of course! Who cares about actually taking the time to know her body? Who cares about taking their time with foreplay? Who cares about women having orgasms? What a load of crock! Now that you know that whatever turns you on is the type of sex your woman enjoys, go grab your woman and SHOW her who the boss is, I say!
You know, this article is such a load of bullshit that it’s offensive to anyone who reads it; man or woman. The whole premise of this article is based on the sole conjecture that women can be manipulated into giving men pleasure and in turn she automatically gets turned on by the power of his pleasure. In every ‘type’ of sex that women supposedly enjoy in this article, there’s not one mention of the clitoris, the vagina or any kind of stimulation which involves the pleasure.of.the.woman. By fraudulently using the ‘what women want’ tag, these articles actually teach their readers to inculcate in the women how to give them pleasure and that’s pretty much it.
Unless of course, if you actually want to persevere towards cultivating a libidinous-slimebally-pseudo-studmuffin kinda persona; then well, this article is right up your alley.
* Generic ‘you’ used throughout this post. Please for the love of all that’s living, if you actually take this post personally, I’ll unconditionally devote the next post to laughing at your pitiful ass. You stand warned.