A different clown suit

I once had a friend* who considered himself a good catch. He called himself ‘a nice guy’, a guy who basically did not get the girls (in his words), a guy who constantly indulged in whine fests bemoaning the sorry plight of his lot, and a guy who considered himself grossly misunderstood by the female of the species only because he had the temerity to be nice to them and those unappreciative egotistical bitches turned him down because they wanted to be treated like horse shit.

My ex-friend was a classical example of the ersatz nice guy, a guy who constantly slips under the asshole radar because of his tacit ‘decency’, his ‘respect’ for women and his unparalleled capacity to squeeze every last globule of pity out of you.

The ‘I’m a decent guy, woe is me’ affliction is insanely rampant and if you aren’t observant enough you will probably set yourself up for one of their illustrious women bashing pity-a-thons. For that’s what an ersatz nice guy specializes in; blaming women for his inadequacies and stolidly refusing to face reality and embrace the harsh truth that something might actually be wrong with him.

So who IS the ‘nice guy’? Is he really nice? Does he really put the female of the species on a pedestal and worship them, only to be stomped on by mean, heartless women?

Do you want to know what you’re doing wrong as a bona fide fake ‘nice guy’?

1. You’re not a nice guy if you pathetically stick that label onto yourself.

2. Calling yourself a nice guy like it is some honorary insignia of martyrdom is ridiculously arduous and it does NOT confer some sort of dipshit entitlement.

3. You’re not a nice guy if you think that your ‘decent behavior’ can be traded in for sex or other favors from women.

4. You’re not a nice guy if you stubbornly hang on to your bullshit resolve that there’s some sort of global conspiracy spearheaded by women against oh-so-misunderstood ‘nice guys’ like you.

5. You’re not a nice guy if you are convinced that women just love being treated like crap by the king of clichés i.e. ‘the bad boy’. Women do not crave reckless relationships nor do they possess a laughable ‘maternal’ instinct to fix their partners problems. That is one of the most phony, noxious and fuckwit reasons you can ever come up with to further feed your contemptible state of denial.

6. And finally, you’re not a nice guy just because you’re NOT mean or vicious or abusive to your partner. Niceness is not measured by what you DON’T do.

If you really want to be a nice guy then you have to be able to walk the walk. Don’t just sit there and whine about your plight, do something. Understand that what you’re preaching is not really nice-ness, it’s your share of the male-entitlement pie and that’s what you ultimately want. There are tons of genuine nice guys out there who actually respect women for who they are, who don’t sit on their asses expecting to be waited upon just because they don’t beat or abuse their wives/girlfriends, and they don’t subject their partners to the whiny passive-aggressive crap you seem to actively indulge in. And these men seem to be in happy relationships. Oh my word, that’s practically impossible according to your definition of nice-ness isn’t it? It’s high time you realized that women don’t want to be put up on pedestals. It’s narrow, uncomfortable and you know what? It’s easy to fall off a pedestal. So for fucks sake, treat us like the humans that we are. And one last thing. Spare me the pseudo-Freudian hyperbole about how ‘all women are insecure so when they actually meet a guy who’s not an asshole, they call such nice guys, insecure.’ Newsflash: face your insufferable insecurities (without pushing it off on women) and deal with it, please.

When I think about it, I have arrived at the conclusion that I’d rather date a so called ‘bad boy’ who’s blunt and upfront. Oh and I am not including those manipulative assholes who have behemothic expectations when it comes to women just because they were honest. You know, the guys who say things like "hey I’ve slept with 30 women and I’ll be honest about it but I expect my woman to be a virgin". No, I’m not talking about those fucktards (future post alert). I would most definitely give my time of the day to the guy who puts up no pretenses when it comes to what he wants, even if it is just sex he’s after. At the very least, he’s honest and he doesn’t dump his asinine expectations on me.

And for the last time, if anyone says anything along the lines of ‘nice guys finish last’, I swear to god I’ll fucking scream my lungs out.

* Ex- friend, to be precise.

Post script: Dim-witted comments along the lines of "will you sleep with me if I ask directly" or "fuck me, I’m being honest bitch" or "so, you don’t like nice, decent people" will be deleted promptly.


McGermy said...

Ha! THIS is why pirates aren't nice. :P And pirates get the women too... don't they?


apu said...

Been reading for some time, but my first comment here; As usual, you say it like it is :)

This myth of the nice guy basically assumes that women are so dumb that they will prefer to be with assholes, just to get their "thrills" rather than go out with the 'nice guy'. (Who is probably just boring...)

Ofcourse, quite a few women go out with assholes, and quite a few may be assholes themselves, (I mean when has meanness been a prerogative of either gender), but thats probably cos at that moment, it seems like a good choice. No one consciously sets up to make bad choices, hey, I'll have that asshole guy...!! Hopefully the 'nice guys' will figure it out sometime...

Rohini said...

I knew one such guy too. But the poor soul was actually a nice guy - just ugly and with excess body hair....

aluchaat a.k.a Nandini said...

so u not lke gud boys, u lk only beating boyz? iz dat coz you drty fmnst gurl?
rajan iz nice & you nt like him,
vat is arng vid you
he is 'honestly' stupid & hv no rspct fr dat nor apprctn...
very bad it is being Megha

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha - excellently whined. I'm curious - what fate did your ex-friend finally meet with?

I would most definitely give my time of the day to the guy who puts up no pretenses when it comes to what he wants

Fair enough. But its funny how thats not a universal feeling. Most people maintain the doublest of standards..

(doublest? new word for the day, class!)

Anonymous said...

Can't imagine someone thinking on the lines of #3!!

Anonymous said...

Touche! Agree with you completely. I myself have been *sick* of such *claims* by guys who hope some female will fall for this claim!

Newsflash: face your insufferable insecurities (without pushing it off on women) and deal with it, please.

*Chuckles* Now now you didn't have to snatch the only pathetic excuse they had!

Anonymous said...

Reminded me of the 'nice guy' my friend used to date, who kept reminding her that even though his friends beat up their wives, he never would. He was one sick fuck, and to be perfectly honest, so was she, with her pathetic victim complex.

Anonymous said...

I think the issue is confusion between the words nice and naive.

What the guy means is he is naive and gets himself into all kinds of trouble.

That is often mistaken for being nice.

I think its perfectly possible to be nice without having to whine about the fact that you are nice all the time.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ mcgermy: Youre nicer than you give yourself credit for.

*pats herself on the back for pushing mcgermy off his bad boy pirate status*


@ Apu: Exactly. Nobody goes out looking for assholes. It so happens that the guy you date turns out to be an asshole. That does not translate into "women are attracted to men who treat them like shit" and that has pretty much been the driving force of the faux nice guy. I mean, they actually belive that women do not like being treated decently. Isnt that crazy?

@ Rohini: Awwww. But no offense to your friend, excess male body hair is absolutely icky. Heh.

@ Aluchaat (god I love your handle!): But but rajan is perfection! I am too lowly for the likes of rajan! See?

@ Armchair philosopher: Excellently whined? WHINED?


Oh oh and I *heart* doublest! It should SO be a word! Mind if I steal it from you for future use?

@ Strider: Oh you will be surprised......

@ Kusum Rohra: Oh but I HAD to snatch away their one weasly excuse, no? I had to live up to my sadistic feminazi status! :D

@ Raindrop: Yay! Youre back! And yep, thats the typical example of a 'nice guy' whose 'niceness' is solely based on what he doesnt DO. Such fuckers, I swear.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Artful badger: I think its perfectly possible to be nice without having to whine about the fact that you are nice all the time.


the wannabe indian punkster said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Handful Of Hell said...

Nice ain't so nice anymore, eh?!! "Niceness is not measured by what you don't do", that kind of sums it up nicely.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

from now on, everyone has to be skeptic if someone says so-and-so is a nice guy...(i, for one, am already dreading being called one)...

Anonymous said...

i don't do nice. does that make me a nice guy?

Anonymous said...

Dim-witted comments along the lines of "will you sleep with me if I ask directly" or "fuck me, I’m being honest bitch" or "so, you don’t like nice, decent people" will be deleted promptly.

Muahahahaz....I xan so imagine the trolls coming up with crap like that!!
Is that what the deleted comments were??

Anonymous said...

Somehow you Punkster seem to have a lot of people's share of the Fs and Js of humanity :)

Sriram said...

Oi!!! Don't nice guys finish last?

So, technically, anyone who says they are nice is a loser.

On a serious note, it is ok for one to ponder if he/she is nice but whining about how they are uber-nice and how they never get the girls isn't a sign of being nice, but rather, a sign of a mong.

Oh, and I'm nice. Can I get the girls now, please? :P :P

(Did that comment make sense at all? I'm on a high right now, I'll check back later when I'm sane. *waits for shouts of "Ha! you? Sane? hahaha!"*)

Anonymous said...

@punkster - hehe, sure. as long as you give me credit ;) and yes whine - what else would you call it? glorified rant perhaps? :)

@nandini - :D wait for him to come along, I'm sure there're going to be interestingly funny moments.

@mcgermy - the enigma still remains. what a pity.

Anonymous said...

Are you familiar with the Ladder Theory? Might answer the mystery in a tongue-partially-in-cheek manner. Hell, I used to know a rather large bunch who practically swore by it, all of whom had two X chromosomes. Oh well, those were simpler times... *frown*

Aluchaat said...

actually i think even men are normal with a few great points and few terrible ones and few inane ones, are just fine.
because I have known some 'nice' men who would be absolute bastards if only they had the balls for them. They are wimps and become nice by default which is worse...
and you did not mention the airs that this nice men get sometimes because they are nice and others are not. Notice their instant, vehement " Oh but i would never do that." well maybe you wouldn't beat up your girlfriend but you wouldn't stand up for her when she needs it either, because you are such a non controversial idiot!

and you are bang on about 'Niceness is not measured by what you DON’T do.'

IdeaSmith said...

Yes...Yes...YES...YESSSS...OHHH YESSSSSSS!!! What a post...it was close to orgasmic!

Am totally and completely fed up of men like the ones you've decribed.

You go, woman!

Anonymous said...

a guy who considered himself grossly misunderstood by the female of the species

I have mostly met "nice guys" who think they have been misunderstood by the whole world, as if they belonged to some other place and time and this hard luck of theirs has brought them here.
And again, all their failures are because they are nice...blah.
But the most irritating thing is, why do "nice guys" whine about their niceness all the time??

Aishwarya said...

Seriously though.

Will you sleep with me if I ask directly?:P

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Handful of hell: Ersatz niceness was never really 'nice' to begin with, no? Its phony and tiresome.

This post isnt about the *real* nice guys anyway. Get it?

@ Ajay: Um, its not about other people calling you nice. If they do call you nice, maybe you have something going for you and its probably a good thing. This is about the guys who whine and complain that their 'niceness' is getting them nowhere, see?

@ Mediocretes: That makes you honest. Nice? I dunno.

@ Szerelem: Ha ha, what do you think?

@ La Vida Loca: *snort*

It does seem that way doesn't it?

@ Sriram: You sure youre not drunk?


@ Armchair philosopher: Glorified rant sounds respectable enough. Way better than whine at least. And I'll think about giving you credit for 'doublest'. :P

@ Jim: Boo at the ladder theory. Try as I might I just cant make myself believe even a whit of it. *beam*

@ Aluchaat: The airs that faux nice men posess are insufferable. Eventually, this boils down to the "I'm nice to you, so I expect this in return" barter system these men have going on in their heads. Painful, I tell you.

@ Ideasmith: Blog post induced orgasms (I KNOW that did not come out right. Oh well) are cathartic no?

Oh, and thanks! :D

@ Anon: Simple. Because theyre not *really* nice. They wear their 'niceness' uncomfortably, as if theyre conferring a favor on you and you pretty damn well realize that being 'nice' is hard work. Such phony shits, I tell you.

@ Aishwarya: No. You have to do better than that. ;)

Anonymous said...

jeez! you sure are venting! kill those nice ass bastards. did you? ;)))

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Balihai: I try. Heh.

Oh and who said anything about killing. I'm way too nice for that. ;)

drops of jupiter said...


I want to print this on a letter head, one with a middle finger watermark, print several copies and hand it out to alllll the men I know!

Anonymous said...

Bless u dear...this should be made a chapter in some subject in boys schools...it wud do everyone a whole lot of good!!!! :)

Suraj said...

cGermy said...

@ Suraj,
Really. Try harder. I'm a dude. Not a dudette.... confused?.
Okie go to the restroom,recheck,come out with the concrete answer..he he he poor guy!!!! oh girl!!!!oh wat are u?...okie ----...durrrrr.

aluchaat said...

why why why and why are you deleting comments...
maybe our Rajan also wrote...
what do have against TROLLS, are not 'nice' people?

though you made this post male specefic, 'nice' women are even worse. actually those who are trying very hard to be nice until they hook the eligible man and then they show their ummmm true colours and all hell breaks loose...you do know the type?

anonymouse said...

Hey, I am a nice guy. Self niced to -20. (Unix joke, if you don't get it http://www.hmug.org/man/1/nice.php and http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/98nov/uf000041.gif ).

Now, what was your username again?

McGermy said...

"print several copies and hand it out to alllll the men I know!"

Boooo! You know me too, remember?

Nisha said...

"Women do not crave reckless relationships nor do they possess a laughable ‘maternal’ instinct to fix their partners problems." ....hmmmm, not entirely sure about this one since have seen many a friend go for the guy with the rakish, devilish grin rather than the dependable 'friend' who has always lent her a shoulder.

Ditto for the 'maternal' instinct - I think quite a lot of women rationalise potentially reckless relationships/marriage by saying 'he's different with me, my love will change him blah blah'

Thats not to say they crave disastrous relationships naturally - but its just the difference between the nice, safe guy and the swashbuckler.

Ask Hollywood - Clark Kent/ Superman, Pete Parker/ Spidey, Depp/Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean - the reckless ones are so much more interesting!!

Anonymous said...

jus becos u r nt nice tht does nt mn tht man is nt nice. poor men foold by frking grls like u will sfr only.


Anonymous said...

u thk tht males r fools nd ur chamchas. nt all males r folls for ur frking. be careful.


Anonymous said...

ur chamchas hv nt stped. now u wont leave gud male also. u want to kil all males. i knw u.

anonymouse said...

Oh boy, Rajan, you have no clue of how much you make me appreciate an Internet where Megha can speak freely.

If people as stupid as you oppose her, I probably will like her a lot.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Jupe: *bows*

@ Di: Hah! And they say I'm awful with kids.

@ Suraj: Is that your *excuse me* comeback?


@ Aluchaat: Oh no no no, I will never delete rajan's comments! They brighten up my otherwise dreary existence!

@ Nisha: Wow. I think I disagree with almost everything youve said in your comment.

@ Rajan: Are you for real? I need to know!

@ Anonymouse: I lau Rajan. No. Really.

mumbaigirl said...

What about "I am humble." Get's my goat.

McGermy said...

@ Suraj,
Really? Wait.. And am I supposed to bury my head in sand after a comeback of that magnitude, which has put me to such shame that the only other option left for me is to go over from a cliff?

The next time you have a thought.... just let it go.

@ Rajan-haters,
Thou shall realise pretty soon how much rajan is worth. That fellow, my friends, is absolutely priceless. He will be a relic in a museum (rajan, you pliss to read as "msm") that houses objects that disprove Darwinism. That is all.

@ rjn,
u r my rl mdl. I vil jn u nd lgh at al ths ppl. BIRDSEYEPOTATOROFL!!!!one1!!11

Anonymous said...

oh my. Rajan's back. *FUN*.

There should be like an entire blog post about Rajan's comments.. that way, others can enjoy it more often! Just his alone are enough to crack anyone up :)

@punkster - you'll *think* about crediting me? Tsk tsk. You'd do that to a _nice guy_ like me?

(ducks and runs ;)

scarface said...

so wat does this whining and ranting make u?? a fcuking nice gal??

scarface said...

so wat does this whining and ranting make u?? a fcuking nice gal??

scarface said...

and hey chick..y do u have to approve the comments..u cant take criticise ??then wat does that make ya?? a fcuking hypocritic nice gal?? u criticise ur ex-friend for being nice..but cant swallow criticism urself?? and will u publish this comment and my other comment as well?? i dont think so!!

Anonymous said...

i don't like you anymore punkster. i like rajan. rajan, pliss start blog. pliss. scarface, you go bugger. you r a fcuking man. pliss fcuking blog. u are God. criticising ex-friends! these hypocritic nice gals! they can't take criticise, i tell you. u start blog too. pliss. i will read. i will pay money to read. i will pay u money to blog. pliss.


the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Mumbaigirl: People actually use that line? *guffaws*

@ mcgermy: Terrific comeback by Suraj no?

I suggest you seriously consider self-immolation.

@ Armchair philosopher: Since you willingly slapped on a 'nice-guy' tag onto yourself, I'll just steal it from you now. I wont even think about it.


@ Scarface: ROFLMAO!!!


@ Nevermind: I understand. Nobody can stand up to the likes of rajan.


Vincent said...

Understand that what you’re preaching is not really nice-ness, it’s your share of the male-entitlement pie and that’s what you ultimately want.

You outed almost every single needy nice guy I know.
Hehehehe.. *cough*
Whoa. Wait a minute. That wasn't funny at all.

*straight face*
Look, its bad enough one girl got them all figured out. Now your ideas are gonna find their way into email forwards, Jupe's printouts.. and every girl they had a chance at is gonna know.

Do the world a favor - please delete this entry and promise to never speak ill about the guys in question.
I'm sure they're all good people and would never do anything grave to merit an entire post on your blog.

Anonymous said...

I'm a bad boy.

I even have leather pants.

my life.... said...

yeah...seriously speaking, a guy who goes around advertising himself that he is Mr.Nice Guy ought to be shot down... If u are really a gentleman, his niceness will be reflected through his words and actions...i know of some frenz whose husbands were angelsduring courtship but became devils after marriage...their niceness were taken in by my frenz naively... Pls, shld i say that they were naive or were they being cheated?

Anonymous said...

@megha - :)).... Its anyone guess who I am laughing at. Thinking about it, you and rajan arent that different from each other.

Guess who rajan is. Its someone everyone here knows.

@Rajan - You slipped up man.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Vince: But but but, I'm not known for being all favor-happy no? I *have* to live up to feminazi standards, so sorry....I cant delete the post. Muahaha.

@ Ninja: Really? I dont like too-shiny leather pants. But leather which does not look too plastic-y, I like. ;)

@ My life: I think its a mix of both. They were naive but its really not their fault. You could say they were cheated, for sure.

@ Anon: Bwahahahahahahahahaha!


Brava! Conspiracy theorists unite!

Your comment was the gold standard in presumptuousness, I swear.

sherriff said...

"treat us like the humans that we are"...seems to be a common thread in some of ur blogs....keep on trying....maybe one day guys will understand it...lol

McGermy said...

"Guess who rajan is. Its someone everyone here knows."

Eh? I can't speak for others, but I have no clue who that is. Care to explain y'er brilliant deduction, Sherlock?

Anonymous said...

It is dumb and presumptuous to assume that a girl is obligated to fall in love with/go out with/sleep with a guy just because he helped her. I know this mentality because even my friends have advised me so, "He's so nice to you, you should go out with him". It's called friendship, not sexual-favours-for-anyone-who-helps-me-fix-the-lightbulb.

In other words, if someone you know makes what you consider an "adventurous" choice for a boyfriend, that's just your opinion.

Are you honestly comparing real life to comic books? It's not about whether a person is a bad-ass- it's about whether a person is interesting. The bad boy stereotype only holds if he is an interesting person. Noone would want some total boob with a roving eye. Just like noone would want a "nice guy" who can't hold a conversation if his life depended on it.

Anonymous said...

Came here after ages. A good post might I add. I did take the liberty to send it to a bunch of 'nice guys' :-)

... to teach them a lesson I could not over so many years :-)

I could not agree with you more on your outpour, if I may call it that. I have a rather thought provoking article somewhere in my repository of lit. on why 'Nice guys finish last'... an interesting take on the whole deal.

Maybe I ought to dig it out for some friendly tete-a-tete (aww shoo.. i dont know how to use them accents on the 'e')

Keep the words flowing.. make for an interesting afternoon read.

Siddhu said...

Damn! Every single comment I had, you took the right to say it away from me with the last paragraph. Fuck! Nice guys do finish last. ;)

Okay, I'm done aggravating you (sorry I couldn't resist).

Been a long time since I hit this blog up (or any blog up - oh Christ I hate work and laziness). Just read that post on sanctimonious desi women. I'd written about the same shit about a year ago - though it was about how desi guys told me not to swear aroudn a desi girl, because 'good' desi girls get all upset if you swear around them. :P

Anonymous said...

Can't agree less with your two cents...true,laughable, witty and precise descriptions of idiotic 'i'm a a nice guy' self-proclaimations :P