TradWannabeRebel (TWR) desi girl falls for TypicalCuteHypocrite (TCH) desi boy. TWR girl wants to go out with TCH boy. TCH boy is busy salivating over the gori randi’s hoping that he has a shred of chance to get laid (because gori’s are all prostitutes, no) and thinks that TWR girl is not worth his time of the day. Besides, TCH boy surmises, desi girls aren’t supposed to want to date. Desi girls are supposed to go to classes, cook, sit and home and rant about how cheap everything in India is when compared to the yoo yess.
But TCH boy is benevolent. He decides to go out on one date with TWR girl before he starts calling her a whore. After all, a desi girl wanting to date is not something which is proper, but he is willing to make a rare allowance in this case.
Puffing up like a Goliath toad at his unparalleled altruistic capabilities, TCH boy finally goes out with TWR girl and takes her to a decrepit shanty passing off as an ‘authentic’ Chinese restaurant in the shadier part of town, to make sure that none of his other desi cronies spot them together. After all he has to maintain his status in the all pervasive mini Indian feudal system of the university, yeah?
So to no ones surprise the date doesn’t go too well, no thanks to TCH boy who has taken it upon himself to shove unsolicited advice about the rules of Desidom down poor, hapless TWR girl’s throat. Needless to say, TWR girl slips into the restroom and calls me frantically to come get her out of this vomitarium of a date or else she would hurt herself VERY badly.
And to cut a long story short, that’s exactly what I did. I swung by the ‘authentic’ Chinese restaurant and picked her up only to hear her chant over and over again that it wasn’t her place to date at all, and this incident was a sign from the arranged marriage gods that she’d better not go out with a guy if she’s not played out their whole ‘life in marital bliss’ tape in her head, beforehand.
Now, I commend TWR girl to actually grow some ovaries (see what I did there?) and try to have a legit social life outside of the desidom boundaries which fetter her, but trust a godawful experience with a guy like TCH boy to send the poor girl packing.
I really don’t mean to condemn all desi men (at least the TCH boy types) as vile scum, but…they are really not the poster children of progressiveness or non-antediluvian thinking.
Really, they aren’t.
If you are a desi guy like TCH boy and you’re actually reading this post without blowing your duplicitous top, then I beseech you to read on. Well.
So TCH boy (and boys like TCH boy), here’s what you don’t do/think/say/behave with respect to dating, love, relationships and desi girls in general.
1. If an Indian girl is faintly interested in the way she looks and she tries to make a minuscule effort to look presentable, please don’t jump on the how-can-traditional-desi-girls-want-to-look-good bandwagon and assume that she must be a whore. First of all what is your manic fixation with calling women whores? What are your criteria for the classification of whoriness? Attractiveness? A sense of style? The fact that a desi girl does not furtively look at the floor the minute she sets eyes on a desi boy, because god forbid you think that she was checking you out even if it was for 1/24th of a microsecond? What is it? I’m on a need to know basis because my glabella will crack if I don’t untangle this Gordian knot. It will!
2. A desi woman is human with sensory perceptions and organs just like you. The last time I checked, we had not evolved into a higher species bereft of sensory perception or base human needs, yet. So until we do evolve into a higher species where human wants become redundant, I’m sorry to break it to you, but we are (are you sure you want to read on desi boy?) just.like.you.with.the.same.physical.wants.and.needs. Right, now don’t contract a coronary infarction and die on me desi boy, you hear?
3. Desi girls want to get laid and have sex too. Or at least reach second base. There, I’ve said it.
4. Desi girls who want to date, just want to date sometimes. They don’t want to set a date or look for the right muhurat for marriage within six months or any of that crock. Realize that oftentimes, if not all the time it is only a glorified front to convince feudal lords like you of their unsullied chastity and piousness. They can’t tell you their actual intentions for fear of your infamous whoriness branding. Hence the savithiri-ist farce.
5. You are not the irrefutable vigilante of the modesty meter. No, you.are.NOT. And fantastic arguments like “I’m the one affected by what she wears” or my personal favorite, the asinine “What a desi girl wears reflects on all the Indians in this university, and she must be heedful of that” doesn’t count. So check yourself before you gleefully offer concerned advice as to how a desi woman should dress herself, because you know you just feel for the desi community and you have such drippy consideration for the desi girl’s status (which you will proceed to tear to shreds, but hey who am I to judge you) in the university’s desi community’s modesty-a-thon; for fucks sake.
6. It’s high time you ditched the unadulterated cultural hypocrisy schtick you’ve got going on, oh-kay? Understand that it is utterly repugnant to mess around as much as you want and then turn around and expect a living shrine of immaculate chastity for a life partner. Even if you haven’t had any real interaction with the female of the species for most of your existence and you think that that’s your way of maintaining an austere life then you still don’t have any right to project your aberrant views onto anyone else. Get off your high horse and just live, for crying out loud.
7. And finally, just ditch the strip club welcoming committee please. Why do you play out your deep seated insecurities in this patriarchal dehumanizing ritual? Why is it that you ‘welcome’ a new desi guy student by immediately shunting him off to the strip club along with a battalion of your cronies like one of those mandatory field trips to the natural history museum, huh? If you cannot approach a girl like other humans do or your insecurities and prejudices blinker your abilities to think rationally and with reasonable fair-mindedness then it is no reason to go indulge in a female dehumanizing ritual. It really isn’t. Do you feel manly and on top of the world when you spiritedly fling dollar bills at a woman’s vagina? Really? Do you? If you say “Come on, it’s only a strip club, every guy needs to let off some steam” you better watch what you eat cause I swear to god I’ll at the very least, poison you. And that’s a promise.
I don’t expect desi guys like TCH boy to change overnight. Call me overly cynical but I don’t expect them to change at all. They’re so sunk in their mire of denial that even a slight attitude change would be a milestone of epic proportions.
And don’t even get me started on their issues with desi women smoking and drinking. I don’t smoke but guys like these make me want to wear a florescent pleather micro mini with a garish purple sequined string bikini top, complete with glass platform heels, and gallivant the length and breadth of this campus with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Jose Cuervo’s black medallion tequila in my other hand.
If pushed hard enough, I might just do it too. Ahem.