As a token measure of charitableness, I have come up with ways to augment your singular brand of thuggism and I have also come up with a few more reasons for you to take your spectacular brand of militant moral policing a hundred yards further, as we can never have enough of a good thing, no?
So without further ado, if you aren’t too busy
According to your tenets of cultural thuggism 101, Valentines Day is the day of days akin to manna, where you can thrash about like a mammoth on acid and indulge in your secret vandalism fetishes by wreaking havoc on hapless card galleries. Like a good card carrying member of any rabid religious extremist group you are undeniably jealous and covetous of the young populace (and their hormones and their social lives in general) and rightly so. But may I suggest other ‘western’ holidays which deserve equal repugnance if not more for the obvious fact that they are conspicuously ‘western’ and they involve not *just* the young populace but everyone else in the immediate family system? Case in point: Mothers day, Fathers day, Sweetest day etc.
I mean, why do you stop at harassing people in love? Why don’t you take it up several notches and start harassing parents who dare to show their faces in public with their kids on mother’s day or father’s day? Better still, start lynching such despicable offenders a week before the said holidays and promulgate the inordinate success of the moral lynching brigade. That way, the ones you lynch will visibly not have a chance to buy a measly card let alone celebrate mother’s day etc. and the rest of the parent-child delinquents will get the message. Might I also suggest actively campaigning against the baneful greeting card/corny gift industry? I’m only taking your irreverent brand of ‘Hallmark-is-the-root-of-all-evil’ a step further and suggesting that you entomb the whole industry.
Your southern counterparts in positions of academic power have already taken the ludicrous dress code ordinances to an art form. But they haven’t perfected the art of feudal dresscodification, yet. For instance why are the women forced to wear ‘loose’ salwar kameezes? That is undoubtedly NOT South Indian. May I be so impertinent to suggest they wear saris with no blouses like our forebears in the glorious days of yore? This will ensure that the reputable deans and assorted college instructors are always kept on the precipice of horniness when they take in a girl’s sari clad, blouse less form and isn’t that what the harlots are there for, to begin with? And what is with the tame ‘light colored shirt, dark colored pant’ dress code for men? Isn’t that reveling in vile Westernry? I for one would like to see the men in full regalia i.e. an immaculate white veshti and an angavasthram to boot. Gaudy zari work adorning the veshti and angavasthram will also add to the prestige of the wearer and it should be actively encouraged. Who cares about the muggy, inconvenient weather and other inconsequential problems?
Nursery rhymes, the English language:
I love Madhya Pradesh. They have taken a step in the appropriate direction to ensure that young minds aren’t besmirched by sordid western nursery rhymes. “Ba ba black sheep have you any wool” for instance could very well be code language for a lustful mating call. I would suggest taking things a tad bit further and replacing all the nursery rhymes with stories from the Mahabharata with family friendly themes like war, lust, polygamy, polyandry, niyoga, gender transfiguration and the like. And while were at it, why do we support this dastardly English language in the first place? Why not crusade against the language itself and organize the burning of ‘all things related to English’ and organize colossal bandhs? Why are your own websites in English? Isn’t that a flagrant dismissal of the tenets of moral thuggism?
One isolated incident of the banning of cell phones for women alone (of course) is not enough, O’ religious extremists! We will shun all aspects of technology! Who am I kidding, internet, schminternet that’s just dippy spacetalk. Let’s all join hands and shut down all our home pages, fling away our slim memory gutters and tumor causing death-traps and shun anything remotely ‘electronic’ altogether. After all, electricity set the precedence for western world domination, no? For all we know, static electric charges are being sent through our motley South Asian brains to subliminally strip us of our wholesome cultural values. Take that you skeevy western corporate honchos. We’re on to you now.
For now, I think such enhancements in the general social markup of Indians, should do. I will also urge you to keep a tighter leash on the womenfolk of our country. If you don’t they’ll start aspiring to be ambitious and successful and god forbid, they’ll want to be heard!
Because isn’t that all this is about? Raging at womankind and anybody who is stupid enough to support them because they dared to marginally assert themselves?
Update: This is what I'm talking about. Now if only the law authorities took my tips and extended their crackdowns to include parents, kids, senior citizens etc. we'll be mighty close to achieving moralcraptopia. Woot.