A 'cultural' utopia

The days of thunder are back. No longer are we subject to the ungodly yay, globalization! baloney. Effete liberals championing the cause for ‘civil rights’, ‘individual freedoms’ and other assorted twaddle have been forcibly made to see the cause for turning back India’s clock, oh lets say an indefinite number of years by the robust bastions of all things ‘Indian’; the effulgent Hindutva moral brigade. I am a trifle disappointed at their disposition to pick cruddy targets and for not blowing things way-way out of proportion, however. Lamely burning doleful looking effigies of that charlatan Richard Gere for his flagrant impudence is simply not enough. He has dared to desecrate our culture (which happens to be the ultimate bulwark of virtuosity) by openly kissing (I shudder at the mention of that foul act) one of our actresses, Shilpa Shetty and all you czars of conservatism can do is set afire humanish looking blobs of combustible material. What a crying shame. Where are the bandhs? Why aren’t there colossal cutouts of an affronted Shilpa Shetty plastered all over India within an inch of free space? Never mind the fact that she was least bothered by the dismaying incident, but that doesn’t give you the right to not make a mountain out of a molehill. I for one am sorely disgruntled. O, hulking goons of Hindutva-ism, you have let me down immensely. But like the proverbial phoenix rising out of its ashes I know that you will ascend, more blinkered in your non-views and more preposterous than ever before.

As a token measure of charitableness, I have come up with ways to augment your singular brand of thuggism and I have also come up with a few more reasons for you to take your spectacular brand of militant moral policing a hundred yards further, as we can never have enough of a good thing, no?

So without further ado, if you aren’t too busy ogling admiring the representation of our magnificent culture through the remarkable performances of Payal Rohatgi and Hina Tasleem in Fun: Can Be Dangerous Sometimes, I suggest you take some time out of your busy schedule of random cultural hooliganery and gleeful castigation of imaginary ‘western’ evils and pay attention to my tips on how you can amp up your A-game even further.

Western holidays:

According to your tenets of cultural thuggism 101, Valentines Day is the day of days akin to manna, where you can thrash about like a mammoth on acid and indulge in your secret vandalism fetishes by wreaking havoc on hapless card galleries. Like a good card carrying member of any rabid religious extremist group you are undeniably jealous and covetous of the young populace (and their hormones and their social lives in general) and rightly so. But may I suggest other ‘western’ holidays which deserve equal repugnance if not more for the obvious fact that they are conspicuously ‘western’ and they involve not *just* the young populace but everyone else in the immediate family system? Case in point: Mothers day, Fathers day, Sweetest day etc.

I mean, why do you stop at harassing people in love? Why don’t you take it up several notches and start harassing parents who dare to show their faces in public with their kids on mother’s day or father’s day? Better still, start lynching such despicable offenders a week before the said holidays and promulgate the inordinate success of the moral lynching brigade. That way, the ones you lynch will visibly not have a chance to buy a measly card let alone celebrate mother’s day etc. and the rest of the parent-child delinquents will get the message. Might I also suggest actively campaigning against the baneful greeting card/corny gift industry? I’m only taking your irreverent brand of ‘Hallmark-is-the-root-of-all-evil’ a step further and suggesting that you entomb the whole industry.

Dress codes:

Your southern counterparts in positions of academic power have already taken the ludicrous dress code ordinances to an art form. But they haven’t perfected the art of feudal dresscodification, yet. For instance why are the women forced to wear ‘loose’ salwar kameezes? That is undoubtedly NOT South Indian. May I be so impertinent to suggest they wear saris with no blouses like our forebears in the glorious days of yore? This will ensure that the reputable deans and assorted college instructors are always kept on the precipice of horniness when they take in a girl’s sari clad, blouse less form and isn’t that what the harlots are there for, to begin with? And what is with the tame ‘light colored shirt, dark colored pant’ dress code for men? Isn’t that reveling in vile Westernry? I for one would like to see the men in full regalia i.e. an immaculate white veshti and an angavasthram to boot. Gaudy zari work adorning the veshti and angavasthram will also add to the prestige of the wearer and it should be actively encouraged. Who cares about the muggy, inconvenient weather and other inconsequential problems?

Nursery rhymes, the English language:

I love Madhya Pradesh. They have taken a step in the appropriate direction to ensure that young minds aren’t besmirched by sordid western nursery rhymes. “Ba ba black sheep have you any wool” for instance could very well be code language for a lustful mating call. I would suggest taking things a tad bit further and replacing all the nursery rhymes with stories from the Mahabharata with family friendly themes like war, lust, polygamy, polyandry, niyoga, gender transfiguration and the like. And while were at it, why do we support this dastardly English language in the first place? Why not crusade against the language itself and organize the burning of ‘all things related to English’ and organize colossal bandhs? Why are your own websites in English? Isn’t that a flagrant dismissal of the tenets of moral thuggism?


One isolated incident of the banning of cell phones for women alone (of course) is not enough, O’ religious extremists! We will shun all aspects of technology! Who am I kidding, internet, schminternet that’s just dippy spacetalk. Let’s all join hands and shut down all our home pages, fling away our slim memory gutters and tumor causing death-traps and shun anything remotely ‘electronic’ altogether. After all, electricity set the precedence for western world domination, no? For all we know, static electric charges are being sent through our motley South Asian brains to subliminally strip us of our wholesome cultural values. Take that you skeevy western corporate honchos. We’re on to you now.

For now, I think such enhancements in the general social markup of Indians, should do. I will also urge you to keep a tighter leash on the womenfolk of our country. If you don’t they’ll start aspiring to be ambitious and successful and god forbid, they’ll want to be heard!

Because isn’t that all this is about? Raging at womankind and anybody who is stupid enough to support them because they dared to marginally assert themselves?

Update: This is what I'm talking about. Now if only the law authorities took my tips and extended their crackdowns to include parents, kids, senior citizens etc. we'll be mighty close to achieving moralcraptopia. Woot.


Anonymous said...

so you think it's about a fear of women moving up huh? that makes sense because they're not burning effigies of amitabh bacchan when he plays a role of falling in love with his daughter's eighteen year old friend. doesn't that/he corrupt society more? i would say so. also, there was a tamil or a malayali film you once mentioned about a man kidnapping and raping a woman for an extended period of time...yea, were there protests around that film? what was the name again of that film anyway? thanks.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Anon: Oh yeah. But Amitabh is god! How dare you say anything about him! And that tamil movie where this goon rapes this woman and she decides to 'reform' him and marry him (this was remade in hindi too) was called Pudhiya Padhai, I think. And its hindi counterpart is Benaam Badsha.

I'm warning you though, they're utterly barfworthy.

anonymouse said...

*pulls a Richard Gere with the punkster as partner.* Lets give them something to talk^Wblog about :P

What makes you think the moral police does not crusade against English? Of course, it does not apply to their own kids, only to those they would keep under their feet.

Oh, and what exactly do you mean to imply by "If you don’t they’ll start aspiring to be successful and intelligent"? That women aren't already intelligent? Go and correct that!

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Anonymouse: Heh. It was meant to be biting and I was going for a variant of 'ambitious' but veered off. I blame my favorite scapegoat, caffeine. but point taken and corrected.

Mosilager said...

Our goons are defending very strongly British Victorian attitudes. Would love to have a reality show where those guys are exiled to NWFP or wherever the Taliban hang out these days. Should throw them all together, put a few video cameras on and see what transpires.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Mosilager: I shudder to think of the horrors that will transpire in your irreverent reality show setting. But then again, I think it'll be fun, so bring on the popcorn!

Sridhar said...

According to this article, some Indian court has issued an arrest warrant ... this is too much.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Sridhar: I know. Do you know that the same guy keeps filing these 'social disturbance' cases? Why cant anybody stop him? And who is this retard judge who issued the warrant? Argh.

mumbaigirl said...

Banning of cell phones-latest in a long line of stupidity-they even have a finishing school type of place for Sindhi girls in Bhopal where they learn how to be good wives: http://www.rediff.com/news/2003/jul/01spec.htm

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Mumbaigirl:
'Science has proved that when menstruating women touch leaves and plants they wilt and decay faster.' However, when asked about the source of such a study, Hemnani becomes defensive, "I cannot give you proof. I have heard this and read it in the books that have been published by Geeta Press. What proof can one have of the truth the mahatmas have said?"

Oh. My. God.

Drunken Master said...

How many times do you think people have called their local moral police only to have the person on the other side answer the phone with "Taliban!"?

Wonder if yet another 24-hour news channel wannabe will put out a video of a sting showing the judge who accepted the lawsuit and put the warrant out secretly beating the meat to Shilpa Shetty's Thunder Thigh-y pics.

Also what about the revelry during Holi - drinking bhang et al? I remember a study a few years ago showing an increase in pregnancies right after - legitimate and otherwise...

The idiots in the country seem to have the insane idea that they're all museum curators, what with us being the proud owners of THE textbook on sex and the Sun Temple at Konark replete with erotic carvings among others.

It's having such a rich history that brings about the "Look But Don't Touch" mentality.

Down with culture!

Shripriya said...

I think the whole country is going to pot. Lawsuits at the drop of a hat - this in an economy that is thriving. I mean who are these people who have the time to bring a lawsuit against someone they don't even know and who hasn't affected them personally??

I think if they took all these nutjobs and made them work harder, the rate of growth would be significantly better.

Hmm... maybe it would be better if they all smoked some pot ;) Would loosen them up a touch!

anonymouse said...

Oh. My. God.

Yes? Speaking of caffeine, here's coffee. Errors are caused by leaving the way of the bean, not by living the way of the bean.

drunken master, the Taliban are the vicious people who are hellbent on destrying our right to freedom. They hate us because we have freedom. Hence, we must give up our freedoms in order to defeat them at their own game.

mosilager, we shouldn't send them to Afghanistan. We need to send these people to the midwest US.

silbil said...

Yeh desh rasaltal mein ja raha hai ...it is truly going to the kuttas as you forgot THIS


void said...

Don't even get me started on how 'Western' clothes affect the male psyche in India, which is why the dress code should be in place. Well, apparently Indian men are beasts who get totally turned on at the sight of anything female who wears a pair of jeans and so, cannot 'concentrate' on 'studies.' Well, that is reason enough ain't it?

So, when a woman gets assulted (oh, sorry it is called eve-teasing here!), it is purely her fault that she attracted the man by the clothes she was wearing!

Well, when politicians have no better job to do, they jump to moral policing. Well, we all know that they themselves must be busy watching porn every night at home. Which man does not! Give it a break, man..

Szerelem said...

heh.....did you hear Shilpa Shettys reply?

nevermind said...

Apropos 'effete liberals'; I think it's about time liberals in general ditched the tag and became intelligent, tactically shrewd, 'muscular liberals'. You, obviously, understand that already, as evidenced by the 'muscularity' of your blog. The problem is, however, that most of us privileged to live liberalism are content to talk, evince outrage, yadayada but not act on the very principles we take for granted, so that we can enjoy our lifestyles.

And small things- like making a phone call to local authorities when you see a diasporic Indian family, with, say, an underage girlchild babysitter, can make the difference between talk and action. Question is, how many of us (and that includes your commenters) are willing to put their money (or their phone calls)where their mouth is?

As for the rest, well, you've said it all:)

Vincent said...

where you can thrash about like a mammoth on acid and indulge in your secret vandalism fetishes

Now wouldn't that be sweet at 1080p ? what an amazingly original PS3 game concept. Bring it on!

Wally Mammoth and the Green Fairy.

La vida Loca said...

I think with all the hoopla with Richard Gere we sunk into a new low.

The Bhopal Sindhi gal's thing is a new one on me..my my what will they think of next?

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Shripriya: I know! Or bhang would be a good replacement for pot as its within 'our culture' and all...


@ Anonymouse: Thanks for the coffee, that'll be my fourth cup of the day (or is it fifth?). Ahh, the way of the bean is the only way to go. Speaking of the bean, have you been fortunate enough to taste the blue mountain?

@ Silbil: Now how did that slip my ever-trustworthy bullshit culture radar?

@ Void: Yes. Not just Indian men, but men in general are just pigs. They are uncontrollable beasts who will bone anything that remotely moves if you don't keep an eye on them. And its our duty to cover ourselves to prevent such behavior. Because thats the paradigm which we have been force fed time and time again by moral policemen from every walks of life and popular culture.It makes me want to retch.

@ Szerelem: No! Link me!

@ Nevermind: Oh god with the 'muscular liberal' tag, I think its time my outside matched my 'muscularly liberal' inside. Its time to hit the gym. Bah.

@ Vincent: That would be! I was thinking more on the lines of wally mammoth and Mr.mosquito (the scrounge of the skies). You know, leaning more towards the jocularly bizzare.

@ La vida loca: Hold your head up grasshopper because I have a feeling that the worst is yet to come.

*cue Horatio Caineish background music*

cliche like the rest said...

I love your last two posts! We have become a petty people indeed, exhausting all our energy in attempt to thwart globalisation or globalism(or whatever the hell it is we're trying to thwarth, to reform the already suppressed, terrified gay community, to save our youth from the evil clutches of America, and gazillion other other nonexistent evils.
kudos chica!!

"chinna captain" MGR III said...

Honestly, when I first read about the Richard Gere incident, I was wondering why the hell are these morons thrashing about for a kiss? I mean, Bipasha Basu and co had already taken sleaze to new levels on camera and I was actually horrified that Gere kissed her on her cheek. God dammit! It wasn't a smooch, rather a peck in the cheek and these jobless bastards have to go on a rampage. And what the fuck is with the judge handing out warrants? Tis a screwed up country we live in.

that girl in pink said...

at first i was reading your post and laughing. and then i went to some of the links you've provided (the sindhis & the cell phones etc.) and it's not funny any more.

it's frustrating and it's scary and it makes you want to stand and scream, "enough with this crap already!"

the horrifying part is that its getting worse with every passing day. i don't know what kind of strange equation it is really - as the country progresses, its citizens walk in the opposite direction.

and i'm so tired of these shit PILs being issued against everything by every jerk at home with a TV and a phone. maybe i'll issue one against the issuers...hmmm....

anonymouse said...

The only blue mountain I have managed to find here was a badly made one, sadly.

I need to find a local shop here in BOM to supply me with cheap beans.

Right now though, I need potable coffee. This stuff at the office is pure acid, no caffeine.

Did you mean cup, or mug, BTW?

As for the 'worst is still to come', I agree. We are looking at another set of the dark ages in a few years (if you want to be really afraid, read the blogs on the current state of the world economy. Oh, and the rise of religion, and the oil crisis. And global warming. And ...

Civilisation is such a thin veneer on humans.

nevermind said...

Leaving the political correctness of the semantics aside (and substitute 'assertive' if you will), there is a distinct difference between liberalism of the drawing room conversation variety and that of the unfashionable/inconvenient occasionally (and I mean occasionally) sticking one's neck out variety.

And apropos MP and Gujarat, the liberal sections of society have spend most of the past years reacting to agendas that are set by the illiberal, fundamentalist fringe (I am not even sure that it is merely a fringe)i.e. THEY no longer set the agenda. But they are doing a remarkable job, given the odds.

However, if the mass of content, peace of mind at all costs, middle class, drawing room liberals were to take even a simple, collective and intelligent stand (maybe turn up at polling booths on voting day?), then perhaps those active liberals could think of pushing the wheel the other way.

P.S. Don't rubbish gyms and break my heart, will you:)?

"chinna captain" MGR III said...

Oh and seems like my last comment implies that it is ok to riot if Gere had smooched Shilpa. Not so. I'd be fine with them doing that, but I shudder to think what the moral brigade would do if it did happen.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Cliche like the rest: Hello! And I know! Globalization is anti-Indian culture, anti-feudal mindsets etc. .etc. Obviously we cant have that, or our culture will disintegrate! It pisses the crap outta me. And thank you!

@ Chinna captain: Surely you mean Payal Rohatgi and Mallika Sherawat and not Bipasha Basu? :)

@ Girl in pink: Issue one! Its not issuer's'. It is an issuer. Theres one fucktard who keeps filing these 'social disturbance' cases. Lets file one against him. I would love to see him shut away for the rest of eternity.

@ Anonynouse: Wonderfully brewed blue mountain is a rarity. Actually coffee shops carrying the blue mountain brew are hard to come by!

And its unbelievably depressing to know that with the track records of such culture warriors, things are only going to get worse, isn't it?

@ Nevermind: Exactly. If the armchair liberals gave the active liberals an inch, I'm pretty sure it could make a considerable difference.

And pshaw, I need to hit the gym.

Rubbishing gyms it seems. Pah!

@ Chinna captain: Even picturing their reaction gives me the heebie-jeebies.

anonymouse said...

Oh, I know someone who brews it wonderfully. I just need to get it to her. Now if she wasn't happily married ...

Nevermind, the problem is that voting makes absolutely no difference. We are voted out by the rest of the country anyway, even assuming we have a choice of candidates anyway.

It's just more economical to fight the battle where we can actually make a difference. I would rather help a few individuals, rather than fight a war which cannot be won. There are no short cuts on the path to knowledge.

That Armchair Philosopher said...

I shall do the India post momentarily. Its in draft. I couldn't however not post on the storm rising on the web today.


I'll be back.

Szerelem said...

Had to search and I couldn't find it on rediff but here's another link

enjoy laughing!

Rimi said...

Can I please please pretty please put in a request for a campus-dresscode post? Only the other day I was thrown out of a fierce debate because "you're a Bong from fucking Cal, what the fuck do YOU know about discrimination?"

I blinked and realised it was meant as a backhanded compliment. So now I need to know. Really really.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Anonymouse: You have a friend who brews it for you? Now I am truly jealous. Bah.

@ Szerelem: I love you! WTF is her reply? God! I dont know if I should laugh or cry.

@ Rimi: If you ask, I shall deliver. And is that a compliment? Really? Wow, we old geezers need to get in with the times ya' know! Tsk!

Anurag said...

I'm sure there is a very nice poem which sums up the absurdity of this situation very well. I'm sure someone out there knows that poem and the poet too -- I don't.

anonymouse said...

Punkster, laugh at szerelem's response, and cry because you don't have a friend like mine who makes coffee for you, and is someone you can really communicate with (We changed topics from code to music to religion to god to morality to shopping to education in an hour's worth of conversation).

Drops Of Jupiter said...

I misss you! where the hell are you? You've finally updated! And it is a sarcastic one! I lauuu you

Drops Of Jupiter said...

did u get my prev comment?

Primalsoup said...

Heh, as always very articulate!

I am thinking of starting a TV channel which is focussed entirely on the crusaders working towards maintaining the moral fabric of our nation and preserving our culture. That way the news channels might free up their reporters to cover other news, perhaps?

Szerelem said...

You should laugh!

@anonymouse: I want friends like yours!

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Anurag: I'm sure there are many poems which could surmise the absurdity of the whole thing. I wish someone here could point it out.

@ Anonymouse: I did laugh at Szerelem's response and I will cry that you have a friend who brews you the blue mountain. Can you loan your friend to me for a little bit?

@ Jupe: OMFG! I missed you too, you polka dotted freak! ;)

@ Primal: But it might backfire, no? The news channels might view your channel as competition and they'll try to one up on you and where will that leave us? :P

@ Szerelem: I did! I did! Promise!

Sue said...

I've no patience with TOI. They try to say they are the voice of our generation but lose no opportunity to present the saffron bunch with precisely those images which inflame them the most. If you've read the paper you'll perhaps know what I'm talking about.

All in the name of entertainment.

Incidentally, that article got me thinking, but what I have to say is too long for a comment so I'll put up a post. Thanks for the link.

Sue said...

Incidentally, to all you guys discussing pot -- ganja's as Indian as the saree. It's been chewed, eaten, smoked for as long as we've been around. So, no point in blaming the decadent West for it, I'm afraid. Let's lynch those sadhus!

anonymouse said...

sue, the ToI is not a "news" paper any longer. It's a tabloid. Remember, sleaze sells even more than sex.

And somewhat off topipc, but this is something which made me sick, and drove me to murderous rage:

As for sharing $friend, I have no control over her, but I am sure she will brew stuff for you as long as you will send her good coffee beans. Oh, and provide her with intelligent conversation.

Pixie said...

It's sick and it's total crap. Instead of moving forward, we seem to be zooming back into oblivion...
Moral Police are blah and all these politicians, Sadhus all have sick attitudes towards women.
I guess it's a man's insecurity that makes him behave in such a manner?
According to Behavioural psychology, a person with a huge inferiority complex is the one who tries to thwart the growth of another and behave in a degrading and insulting manner. This post and what's happening these days just proves it right?
Too long a Rant!!

aradhana said...

i wish gere kissed me. :) and i thought amitabh's movie was good..nishabh..the falling for 18 year old lolita rip off.

Sue said...

Anonymouse -- I agree. And I think TOI is becomeing a tabloid that does more than a little harm.

If you were daft enough to be taken in by, say, Calcutta Times, you'd think all ppl in Cal do on weekend nights is go dancing. And the truth is, the party scene in Cal is mostly very sad. So go figure. *Sigh*

The Stig said...

I have a solution. TOI can become a respected source of news IFF they start writing my history. Not many know about me, but they should. And so should all of you. Here is an introduction someone wrote about me..

"Some say he has no fear and that his eyes never blink. All we know is, he's called The Stig."

Anonymous said...

@ aradhana: hi. yea, okay, fine the movie was made well, the acting was good, etc., but the fact (?) remains that such behavior is simply unacceptable. i realize that i'm doing some policing here myself, but i'm just trying to look out for all the 18 girls ending up in something with their friend's lecherous father (not all men are to be expected to be like AB, right?). and what of all the wives who'll be watching this sort of storyline? won't they be worried next time their daughters bring their friends over? maybe causing them to suspect things even if things aren't happening? i dunno, i just see these sorts of storylines as problematic for any society, not just indian. maybe i'm wrong though. i dunno.

el Tom said...

Wow. Random way to come across a blog.

Um, to be fair, any excuse to burn Richard Gere's effigy I find pretty welcome...