Mysteries of the sexes explained!

Here I am wallowing in boredom, fighting the colossal urge to cave in and blog about my neighbor and his increasingly bizarre relationship with his vexatious pet Maltese whose name Ms. Talywalker Melville the 2nd (no I am NOT making this up, I cannot possibly make something like this up) defies all vestiges of sanity I might expect from my neighbor.

But mercifully, I have good friends who happen to be in a worse morass of boredom than I am, and one of them kindly sent me the answer to the potentate of secrets, the most arduous of conundrums which humankind has ever hoped to face, which incongruously enough, I received by email.

What is this grand secret you ask? Why the mysteries of the sexes of course! Answered at least in part, by virtuoso relationship expert, David Zinczenko in his article, 4 (harmless) ways to make a man jealous.

So ladies lets all indulge in some good, old fashioned juvenile mind-fucking shall we?

Since men are such pitiful simpletons, and all.

Stay Up Later Than He Does

And make sure you're logged in. When he says he's going to bed, tell him you'll be in later, that you just have a few things to look up on the computer. Not that he doesn't trust you and not that you're going to check up on an ex or two, but he doesn't know that.

And his wandering mind may just think you're up to something. And the thought that you might be means that you'll soon be getting more attention than David Beckham in the Los Angeles airport.

Because men are such ticking time bombs of insecurity, even an act as simple as logging on at night will be more than adequate to set off his precarious jealousy sirens. Who cares about the fact that maybe, sometimes, you know, we stay up late because we’re doing something interesting or important which has nothing to do with our partners?

Have Drinks with Friends

He knows you talk. He knows you talk more when you're with friends, especially when you add drinks to the mix. And he cares deeply about how he's portrayed in your version of the media - that is, your social network - and how he stacks up against other men. Go out and compare notes with the girls, and selectively report back on the findings of the kangaroo court. He may be less likely to give you damning evidence to report.

Ah. See that ladies? Nobody needs their own friends! Especially women in relationships! The only reason why you need to have friends of your own is to reduce your partner into a blubbering jelly of possessiveness. Once this works, you can flippantly toss your friends to the curb until the need arises to rinse and repeat this process, of course.

Click on ESPN.com

Read up on the latest sports happenings, and bring them up later to your man. When he asks how the heck you knew Padraig Harrington won the British Open, tell him that a couple guys from work were talking about it.

The thought of you playing Erin Andrews (sports reporter for ESPN since 2004 ... C'mon, stay with me here!) around the coffee machine will make him steam without totally burning. (Note: Anything you do with male colleagues that's potentially frisky will infuriate him - and can potentially backfire on you.)

Since women are biologically wired to not understand sports, this is definitely the clincher ladies. Men don’t like women invading their turf (sports), see? Except maybe Erin Andrews, but she obviously doesn’t count as she happens to be a stray genetic deviant. In part, you are essentially rebuking one of the cardinal tenets of hyper-manliness 101 which is:

Men are the authority in anything sports or sports related.

Women cannot like sports. Their brains are wired differently.

So in summation, if you casually mention a sport related fact or two in front of your man, you must have gotten it from being in proximity with other males. Or better still, if you tell him yourself that you got your sport-related facts by overhearing a conversation between two men, you are sure to unleash your partner’s inner caveman and send him into paroxysms of jealousy and rage. See? It works like a charm!

Whoop Him

Challenge him in something physical - whether it's in an upcoming 5K or in your regular yoga class. It's hard for even the least competitive men not to feel antsy when his woman is stronger, faster, or more flexible than he is.

He'll say it doesn't bother him when you cross the finish line first or scratch your ears with your toes. Plus, research shows that even a little healthy competition can ignite your sex life. Don't push the Venus Williams act too hard, though, or he'll wonder if his losing streak will send you in search of a man who's faster, stronger, and better.

So, this brings us to another tenet from the hyper-manliness 101 manifesto yet again, which is,

Men are in reality, absurdly competitive 12 year olds.

Yes, ladies please do give him the impression that you are about to whoop his derriere, but on no account must you indulge in imprudence such as, god forbid, actually winning in whatever competition you partake in with your partner. You don’t want to hurt his fragile, competitive cocoon of hyper-manliness, do you?


Are there any articles out there which do not give out relationship advice based on ridiculous adolescent mind games which invariably strive to enforce traditional gender roles? If there are articles which actually address relationship issues with adults without resorting to atrocious stereotypes about men and women, then please send them my way. I’m actually serious.

I want to see a relationship-advice type article which,

a) Does not indulge in and enforce nonsensical mind games. Because you know, all heterosexual relationships are built on a foundation of mind fuckery.

b) Does not reduce men to brainless, pubescent, mulish blobs of idiocy.

c) Does not expect women to treat men like they are brainless, pubescent, mulish blobs of idiocy and actively encourage them to resort to puerile manipulation while simultaneously maintaining a fa├žade of docility, to get what they want.

At the very least, this article came at an opportune moment and prevented me from writing a drawn out post on how I suspect my neighbor’s hold on sanity might be in part due to cerebral hypoxia, but I’ll save that for another day.


The Stig said...

Can I please have about 10 mins in a windowless room with the author of the article along with a general amnesty letter telling me that whatever I do is fine and I'll be pardoned? Pretty please? With dynamite.. erm... I mean sugar on top?

And can I have that baseball bat to club you on the head with for reading such an article? Utter utter drivel. "stay up later than he does"? Is this an actual guy who wrote this? I need proof! This could be big, since a monkey might have evolved enough to type!!

Drunken Master said...

Man, this mofo totally sold us out!
So let me read between the lines and tell y'all ladies what he really means.

When we men stay up later than our women, we're either chatting up that hot-but-dumb ex or watching porn since we aren't getting as much ass as we want. If you stay up later, you're obviously cheating and that's unacceptable. Get into bed with us so we men can show you what a real man is capable of.

When we hit a bar, we're checking out the girls to ensure that the girl we have in out palms is precisely what we're capable of getting. When you hit the bar and check out a guy, you're cheating and we men will have to spank you to put you in your place.

When we hit espn.com, we're looking for sports news. If you want to play Erin Andrews, you'd better dress up like her and have a romp with us men in bed the way we dream Erin would with us.

Oh, yeah and then after all that, whoop us. There's nothing that gets us (ok, at least me) hotter than getting a spanking from a girl.

We men really are horny, mulish blobs of idiocy. All we want is hot sex, which is precisely what a woman is expected to provide, since after all that's all they're good for...

So there. Wow I really have had too much to drink this happy hour. I'm so drunk I can't even lie...

MinCat said...

you know i couldn't agree more. they may BE another species,but people they're people too.

Jay Sun said...

LOL...beautifully written :)

bendinggender said...

nice! will try and put some of this into practice and maybe report back the results. hehe.

also, thanks to you and a couple of others, am back to blogging. decided i didn't want to lose the sense of community the medium provides. so yes, hello again!

anonymouse said...

That name reminds me of Guards! Guards!. You might want to go and have a talk with said neighbour.

MISSquoted** said...

I recently read an article on 'pink football'. oh yes. women enjoy football not for the sport, but for the men. heh heh. imagine the name though. PINK football!!!!!

I am not much of a sports person myself...but luckily I refused to get sucked into whooping away merrily at the ESPN channel, just to reinforce the notion that 'women can like sports too'.

see the conflict??

scudie said...

romba thanks.. i would have fallen n for any of the above tactics though.. (except for sports, which i have no clue abt)

Renegade said...

I agree this person is a biased, but what abt the ppl who need this advice. Am not sayin you are wrong, but maybe some ppl need such advice, right.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ The Stig: Unfortunately this 'brilliant' relationship 'expert' happens to be the editor-in-chief of Men's Health. Tells you a lot about that magazine, doesn't it?

@ Drunken: ROFLMAO, I bow to you, O' exalted one. I have learnt my place. :P

@ Mincat: Hello! And we're not another species! I don't know why these relationship-advice type articles resort to infantile generalizations.

@ Jay sun: Thank you!

@ Nikita: Oh. My. God. You are finally back! Woot!

@ A'mouse: I am desperately looking for a bland conversation starter. Even my "how are you?" will result in him going into lengthy descriptions of his most interesting teapot and the like. The last I checked, the Maltese seems to be clean and happy, and he seems to be his usual harmless, batty self, so all seems to be fine.

@ Missquoted: Ha ha, could you pass on the link to that article, if it isn't too much trouble? I am dying to learn about the intricacies of 'pink' football.

@ Scudie: Really? I'm glad you read this post then!

@ Renegade: I don't see the need to manipulate ones partner. I really don't. Unless of course said partner happens to be a sexist, egotistical douchebag of the first order. I would still doubt the efficacy of this ridiculous 'advice' in the above mentioned situation, though.

Anurag said...

Wait, are all you people criticizing my writing skills? Let's see some of your advice, then, huh people?

Sue said...

You want some more fun? Send it to some selected male friends and ask them what they think.


That's what I would do. Most respond indignantly, "What rubbish!"

Poor men.

Drunken Master said...

Aw man, there's no need to bow. Ok, bow to me, but while you're there, go fetch me a beer.

Anonymous said...

A post about "Ms. Talywalker Melville the 2nd" might (will) be more interesting than this guy's advice.. :)


anonymouse said...

And here I was suggesting a conversation with said Maltese!

Renegade, I pity the wom[ae]n who think they can make a guy jealous with such trivial things.

I can't imagine a healthy relationship without near-absolute trust (everything short of work passwords, personal email and GPG passphrases).

Vincent said...

I don't speak for all the manly men but "Stay Up Later Than He Does" is bound to get my alarm bells ringing..

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Anurag: Oho. What can I do? My inferior, manipulative, passive-aggressive self cannot help but pick on your writing. So there. :P

@ Sue: But of course they’ll scoff at it. But I can’t help but wonder if they feel (at the back of their mind) that such advice might be true. Heh.

@ Drunken: Shouldn’t that be ‘go get me a sammwich, wench?' Tsk tsk, you’ve let me down immensely.

@ Mockingbird: I had to pick on this turd. Ridiculously awful relationship advice type articles happen to be one of my weaknesses. =D

@ A’mouse: I don’t like that Maltese very much. I am content with checking on her every once in a while, but her lousy temperament puts me off.

@ Vince: Um, why? I’m sure there are many people out there who feel productive at night, and I happen to be one of them! I do my homework at night, read up on news etc. and I pretty much do the major part of my browsing at night into the wee hours of the morning. Assuming that a person may be up to something just because they log on in the middle of the night is, to put it bluntly, absurd.

If a person was really up to something, I think they’ll surreptitiously do it anyway, be it the middle of the night or the middle of the afternoon.

Nath said...

the wannabe indian punkster:
Assuming that a person may be up to something just because they log on in the middle of the night is, to put it bluntly, absurd.

This is true. The people to really watch out for are the ones who are up at the crack of dawn. It's unnatural, I tell you.

Safety tip: never turn your back on a morning person.

anonymouse said...

Would you be happy with a name like that?

Make me a sandwich.

Random Vignettes said...

Heyy...first time commenter here...i love love love the way u write abt some things :)
aiyyo this article has to be the biggest pile of crap after this year's appraisals done by my boss!
but i had fun coz i made poor hubby K read it with a very serious face and then sat back and watched him sputter in indignation!!!

Drunken Master said...

Punk, note the use of the word "fetch". Wench is letting a woman off easy. Have I let you down now? Good.

Grafxgurl said...

This was such a waste of time for that chap to write.. he thinks we're idiots.

even if i wanted to i couldnt make Ed jealous.. lol he knows i want him too much already!

jax said...

Heya! I want to email you this article, a book really (Some 146 pages in all). It is relationship advice minus the mindfucking. If you could give it a quick read and tell me what you think about it, I'll buy you a coffee someday. Filter.

Please give me your email ID or mail me on jaxorama at gmail.

This is not spam =))

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Nath: The 'morning' person is probably the most fearful deviant of humankind. My ex-roommate was like that. She would actually go into convulsions of joy at the crack of dawn and she could never understand why the rest of us weren't wired the same way.


@ A'mouse: Mustard with the sammwich?

And yes, you do have a point there.

@ Random Vignettes: Hello! And thank you! Tch, why subject your poor husband to this trash? :)

@ Drunken: Pshaw. You could still do better.

@ Grafx: Hee! In your case this article becomes all the more pointless. :P

@ Jax: Really, this isn't spam? :D

My email: wannabe.punkster[at]gmail[dot]com

OOOO, filter coffee = all sorts of awesomeness.

I'll read it, send it over.

anonymouse said...

Yes. Though you did spoil the joke. See http://xkcd.com/149/

Oh well, *passes the coffee*.

I love to see the sun rise. Then I go to bed. Early morning people are evil.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ A'mouse: Yikes, I did botch the joke, eh?

Meh. Under-caffeination has its drawbacks.

*takes the coffee*

Vincent said...

Assuming that a person may be up to something just because they log on in the middle of the night is, to put it bluntly, absurd.
Of course it's absurd.
Look, if that's her thing - she works best at night and continues to do so, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nighttime is when I concentrate better. However, out of the blue if the girl(who until last week hit the bed at 10) is suddenly so kicked about logging in at say 2am every night - she's going to ruffle a few feathers for sure.
So among the 4 'harmless' ways to annoy your man, resorting to "Stay Up Later Than He Does" would be a sureshot way to instigate rage and weaken any trust that existed.

anonymouse said...

Never mind. I am sure you will spend a few hours reading xkcd. And then blog about http://xkcd.com/306/ (See, on topic comment)

Here's another one for you to spend a night with http://www.ozyandmillie.org/

Szerelem said...

I love the click on espn.com crap. Love it.

But what about girls who don't have boyfriends and watch sports? Are we freaks of nature??

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Vince: But that could be said for any kind of deviant behavior, yes? I could put sugar in my coffee all my life and then decide that I didn't like sugar anymore (which I have done btw, I haven't had coffee with sugar for quite some time now). So that technically (lame example, but hey) constitutes a sudden change, a deviance.

A person could suddenly be wrapped up in something, be it work or even weird bouts of insomnia. It doesn't really mean that they are chatting up other men (or women) or cheating or whatever.

It all boils down to trust. You can choose to trust someone or you can choose to be on pins and needles and get pierced by pangs of jealousy at even a hint of deviant behavior from your partner.

@ Szerelem: Why of course we are! Women are not wired to like sports see? We are genetic freaks, and I for one, am fine with that. :D

Vincent said...

Forget infidelity.
Are you implying that man should remain totally unaffected while the wife/gf constantly stays up later than he does?

The Stig said...

"But what about girls who don't have boyfriends and watch sports? Are we freaks of nature??"

Can I marry you? :D

Anurag said...

It's difficult, but I'll be honest (after all, honesty is the best policy though only after medical insurance, of course).

I've been guilty of being jealous and suspicious of the activities of the women in my life in the past. It was not because I did not trust them, but because I did not have enough faith in myself and did not want to lose them. I did not realize that it would not work and that if I could not trust them, then there was no point to a relationship anyway. However, I underwent a change sometime in the recent past and I must say it is easier for me now, as well as better for the relationship.

Renegade said...

I dont want to say the same things, but some ppl may need such advice cos they dont knw abt anything else. Mebbe they need stupids like this fellow for help. you cannot deny that some ppl will find his nonsnse useful.

Rohini said...

Honestly, I have a more basic problem with wanting to make your partner jealous. I mean, why??? Is his possessiveness the only way to feel secure about his affections? Whatever happened to plain and simple trust...

Entropy said...

Loved this post. loved all the comments even more.

Megha, why don't you read 'women's era' and their advice to women and then blog about it. i don't read it anymore, but i remember it being really vague - everything was always the woman's fault, women had to adjust to everything and use feminine wiles to get what they want (poor souls have no choice, don't possess any intelligence, neither the ability to work hard, nor creativity etc)


Renovatio said...

Yes your prod-iness, unfortunately, It does seem that a relationship has a necessary amount of mind-fuck games and manipulation, and the necessity is, even more unfortunately, accepted and encouraged too, at that.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Vince: But why would it bother you if your partner stays up later than you? Like I said, it is not conclusive evidence that your partner is being untrustworthy or cheating on you. And why would you get jealous (assuming that you meant jealous when you said affected)? It does not mean that staying up late is akin to cheating or being hedgy about something! It could mean many different things unrelated to even a hint of infidelity. Again, I will have to say that it boils down to trust. It is up to you as to how much you want to, or don’t want to trust your partner. But I personally think that if you slide down the road of not trusting or doubting every other action of your partner, it’s not going to be very pleasant or healthy for the relationship by any means.

@ Anurag: Amen. I’m glad you openly spoke about the way you felt, over here. I really am.

@ Renegade: If people actually think that this guy’s drivel is useful, then they are beyond redemption.

@ Rohini: Exactly. That’s where my fundamental problem lies. Why the f**k do you have to make your partner jealous in order for him to pay attention to you? Isn’t that a horrible and insidious message to send out to women in the first place?

@ Entropymuse (zen): Ha ha! I should have added Women’s Era in this post as an ‘honorable mention’, somewhere, shouldn’t I? I guess it slipped my mind because I’ve always found Women’s Era so utterly hilarious for their tripe, that I never really take them seriously. And OMG have you read the fiction in Women’s Era? It is glorious in its awfulness, I assure you.
Oh, and hello!

@ Renovatio: I know, eh? Always, mind-fucking and manipulation has been propagated time and time again as the cornerstone of heterosexual relationships, and it bothers me immensely.

Vincent said...

Again, this not so much about insecurity or infidelity. It's more of a major annoyance than anything else.
So the man's got to patiently wait in bed in silk boxers showered and powdered for the girl to finish working on her computer? Hell no!

ok please don't kill me for saying that :)
*runs away*

Anonymous said...

"Silk boxers.. blah blah"? OMG, I just rolled my eyes out of their sockets!


Anurag said...

Renovatio, Punkster: I beg to differ. Not all relationships need to have the mind-games and manipulation. If both the people involved are accepting, honest and mature enough, then it becomes smooth sailing, without any of these hassles involved.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Anurag: You misunderstand me. I specifically said that manipulation and mind-games have been propagated as the cornerstone of heterosexual relationships.

Nowhere did I say that that was what was necessary (or the norm) for heterosexual relationships to actually function.

I thought I made that distinction perfectly clear. I guess not, huh? :)

Szerelem said...

I had left a comment! Where did it go??? :((

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Szerelem: I publish every comment I see! I think &*%^ blogger must have eaten it (surprise, surprise). :(

Gah, I hate blogger sometimes.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Vince: *dies laughing*

Powdered? Powdered???

OK, ok I'll stop laughing. :D

@ Mockingbird: Ha ha!

@ Szerelem: Could you repost the comment (if it isn't too much trouble), ARGH blogger. :(

Renovatio said...

Oh stop rubbing it in man... they just take pity on your nose! Ha!

Anurag said...

Punkster: No, I may be mistaken as well. :) There are so many comments and contradictory points of view in the comments on your post that it is difficult to remember who stands for what. My apologies this time. I did not mean to imply that you suggested any of that.

* Offers a peace pipe while totally immersed and listening to "Maula mere..." from the soundtrack of Anwar.

nevermind said...

Oscar Wilde- 'Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast'. Or something similar.

rebel said...

Was just following the conversation change.. But, vincent, seriously powdered.. OMG, I am at work, pls someone help me stop laughing.. And did you say silk bozers???

Getting back to the point, dont we see all these magazines for women trying come out with such dim-witted mind fuckery which is based predominantly on gender stereotypes!

And I have a seriously big doubt, r there ppl who read it and follow it.. I mean how jaded can your life BE?????