But mercifully, I have good friends who happen to be in a worse morass of boredom than I am, and one of them kindly sent me the answer to the potentate of secrets, the most arduous of conundrums which humankind has ever hoped to face, which incongruously enough, I received by email.
What is this grand secret you ask? Why the mysteries of the sexes of course! Answered at least in part, by virtuoso relationship expert, David Zinczenko in his article, 4 (harmless) ways to make a man jealous.
So ladies lets all indulge in some good, old fashioned juvenile mind-fucking shall we?
Since men are such pitiful simpletons, and all.
Stay Up Later Than He Does
And make sure you're logged in. When he says he's going to bed, tell him you'll be in later, that you just have a few things to look up on the computer. Not that he doesn't trust you and not that you're going to check up on an ex or two, but he doesn't know that.
And his wandering mind may just think you're up to something. And the thought that you might be means that you'll soon be getting more attention than David Beckham in the Los Angeles airport.
Because men are such ticking time bombs of insecurity, even an act as simple as logging on at night will be more than adequate to set off his precarious jealousy sirens. Who cares about the fact that maybe, sometimes, you know, we stay up late because we’re doing something interesting or important which has nothing to do with our partners?
Have Drinks with Friends
He knows you talk. He knows you talk more when you're with friends, especially when you add drinks to the mix. And he cares deeply about how he's portrayed in your version of the media - that is, your social network - and how he stacks up against other men. Go out and compare notes with the girls, and selectively report back on the findings of the kangaroo court. He may be less likely to give you damning evidence to report.
Ah. See that ladies? Nobody needs their own friends! Especially women in relationships! The only reason why you need to have friends of your own is to reduce your partner into a blubbering jelly of possessiveness. Once this works, you can flippantly toss your friends to the curb until the need arises to rinse and repeat this process, of course.
Click on ESPN.com
Read up on the latest sports happenings, and bring them up later to your man. When he asks how the heck you knew Padraig Harrington won the British Open, tell him that a couple guys from work were talking about it.
The thought of you playing Erin Andrews (sports reporter for ESPN since 2004 ... C'mon, stay with me here!) around the coffee machine will make him steam without totally burning. (Note: Anything you do with male colleagues that's potentially frisky will infuriate him - and can potentially backfire on you.)
Since women are biologically wired to not understand sports, this is definitely the clincher ladies. Men don’t like women invading their turf (sports), see? Except maybe Erin Andrews, but she obviously doesn’t count as she happens to be a stray genetic deviant. In part, you are essentially rebuking one of the cardinal tenets of hyper-manliness 101 which is:
Men are the authority in anything sports or sports related.
Women cannot like sports. Their brains are wired differently.
So in summation, if you casually mention a sport related fact or two in front of your man, you must have gotten it from being in proximity with other males. Or better still, if you tell him yourself that you got your sport-related facts by overhearing a conversation between two men, you are sure to unleash your partner’s inner caveman and send him into paroxysms of jealousy and rage. See? It works like a charm!
Challenge him in something physical - whether it's in an upcoming 5K or in your regular yoga class. It's hard for even the least competitive men not to feel antsy when his woman is stronger, faster, or more flexible than he is.
He'll say it doesn't bother him when you cross the finish line first or scratch your ears with your toes. Plus, research shows that even a little healthy competition can ignite your sex life. Don't push the Venus Williams act too hard, though, or he'll wonder if his losing streak will send you in search of a man who's faster, stronger, and better.
So, this brings us to another tenet from the hyper-manliness 101 manifesto yet again, which is,
Men are in reality, absurdly competitive 12 year olds.
Yes, ladies please do give him the impression that you are about to whoop his derriere, but on no account must you indulge in imprudence such as, god forbid, actually winning in whatever competition you partake in with your partner. You don’t want to hurt his fragile, competitive cocoon of hyper-manliness, do you?
Are there any articles out there which do not give out relationship advice based on ridiculous adolescent mind games which invariably strive to enforce traditional gender roles? If there are articles which actually address relationship issues with adults without resorting to atrocious stereotypes about men and women, then please send them my way. I’m actually serious.
I want to see a relationship-advice type article which,
a) Does not indulge in and enforce nonsensical mind games. Because you know, all heterosexual relationships are built on a foundation of mind fuckery.
b) Does not reduce men to brainless, pubescent, mulish blobs of idiocy.
c) Does not expect women to treat men like they are brainless, pubescent, mulish blobs of idiocy and actively encourage them to resort to puerile manipulation while simultaneously maintaining a façade of docility, to get what they want.
At the very least, this article came at an opportune moment and prevented me from writing a drawn out post on how I suspect my neighbor’s hold on sanity might be in part due to cerebral hypoxia, but I’ll save that for another day.