9/16/07

Get off the Britney Bashers Bandwagon, please.

Boy, am I stark raving mad. And personally going through the two worst days of my entire year does not bleeping help.

Anyway, I sat through the VMA’s and I’m thinking god, how awful was this year’s ludicrous we’re going to stick a camera in different rooms and watch OTHER people get wasted and have fun, yo excuse of a legitimate theme, even for an award show as laidback as the VMA’s.

[And I have to say that that’s really not the reason for my ire. Oh no, it isn’t.]

So I watched Britney’s over-hyped opening performance and it was basically lackluster and banal and frankly I thought she looked a little wasted and possibly a wee bit high. Even her lip-syncing was atrocious, and how disoriented must you be to truly botch lip-syncing? But nowhere and I repeat nowhere, did I look at her and go OHMYGAWD SHE’S OBESE, GROSS!

But apparently there are a lot of folks out there, who are bent on doling out harsh and unforgiving critiques on her oh-so-flabby body along with criticizing her performance.

If you refuse to believe me and mulishly choose to state that none of the critiques on her performance mentioned her weight, then slither out of your hole of denial and do a simple exercise. Google search her performance. Watch any news show. Case in point: Keith Olbermann on MSNBC. Watch clips on YouTube. Look at the comments if you can bear to stomach them.

And if you still don’t cringe, and maintain that all this is just marvelously funny, then read on, buttwipe. This post is for the likes of pond scum like you.

It is apparent that Britney does not look like she did before. This is obviously a huge crime in Hollywood land and in the eyes of the general populace; because how dare she not maintain the scarily taut fembot-like body she used to sport as a teenager and actually look healthy and fertile. Since she has curves now (oh the horror), and however good or lovely her curves may look, curves = miserably fat by popular standards these days. Who cares about the fact that she, with her so called fat-ass, in her bikini, would still look better than 99% of the hand-wringers sitting on their couches and howling derisively or having convulsive fits at her imaginary rolls of fat, can ever hope to look. Heck I’ll go all out on a limb and say that she probably looked better and hotter than any of us for that matter in her sparkly bikini.

By all means, I have nothing against critiquing her performance at the VMA’s, but pond scum, this does not mean that you get to pile on her for being ‘obese’ or for ‘being a bad mother’ or even saying that she’s worse than that fucking tool K-Fed.

So here’s how you criticize her performance:

- Pick on her dancing. Or the lack thereof.

- Observe that her lip-syncing went awry.

- Get nitpicky about her tacky outfit and her evident lack of practicing her song or rehearsing her moves.

Here’s how you don’t criticize her performance:

- Derisively howling at her so called rolls of fat or indignantly claiming that she’d better start hitting the gym and working on losing her paunch. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Where is this apocryphal paunch you seem to be rabidly harping on about? And why the fuck doesn’t anyone pick on a male artist for sporting a jolly old paunch or flab or a double chin? Screw all of that, when was the last time someone criticized a male musician or pop star for not having washboard abs and a chiseled physique? Reuben Stoddard anyone? Or Dave Matthews from the Dave Matthews Band? Oh, I can feel the outrage already, how dare I call Dave Matthews fat, he looks so normal blah blah, spare me the sermon, please. If I judge Dave Matthews by the unrealistic and execrable standards with which you pond scum trash Britney, then he’s positively schlubby and gross. Do you see it now?

- Calling her a bad mother. So, she’s not a perfect mother. Who the fuck is? She is as good or as bad a mother as any other mother is. Just because she’s a celebrity and just because buttwipes like you can’t leave her the heck alone, that doesn’t make her a bad parent. That makes her human. *

It’s positively disquieting to see how it’s all fun and games now, when somebody crashes and burns in front of our eyes. How it’s A-ok to point contemptuously and roll with mirth at a woman who has clearly become a victim of the very Madonna/whore dichotomy she was made to represent, by being the teenage dewy eyed innocent virgin with the taut body who sang songs like ‘hit me baby one more time’.

As soon as she grew out of the virtuous but dirty schoolgirl image, hand-wringers and pond scum and men who paroxysmally threw a fit at her supposed fat ass while gleefully jacking off to her 17-18 year old image, climbed on to the disingenuous Britney Bashers Bandwagon.

We put her up on an unrealistic fembot pedestal and now that she’s proven herself to be human, we snigger mockingly and heap piles of shame on her. Yeah, this is what we’ve come to.

Now lets howl at Britney's fat ass.

Not.

*For more reading on how Britney's actually human, make your way to these excellent posts by Sue and the Mad Momma.

9/7/07

meme-fication

School has begun and I can’t be happier. I am one of those uncharacteristic freaks who thrive on rigorous multitasking. Yes, driving myself up the wall while trying to stay afloat like a pochard on roid’s in a deluge of work and classes, actually makes me happy.

If you’re even thinking about going ‘ha ha, what a lamebrain, she likes to WORK’, then don’t say I didn’t warn you. Thrashing about on a couch littered with Dorito crumbs like a sedated walrus does not really scream ‘thatz tha shit yo!’ to me. Well.

Moving on, I realize that I’ve been woefully neglecting my memes (4 at last count?), and yeah, roll your eyes and tut tut all you want, but I do squirm with guilt and remorse if I amass a gargantuan meme backlog. Really.

So without further ado, let me dive headfirst into this simple, nice and positive tag (yes suckers, there’s something positive on this blog! Eat that!) that requires me to list the things I like the most, which Pri has ordered that I must do. And since I’m inherently non-gladiatorial and pacifistic, I shall comply meekly.

And before I begin, just because this tag is positive, that doesn’t mean that I won’t butcher your sense of positivity or what YOU associate with the word ‘like’ with my bizarre quirks or sadomasochistic undertones. Ok? Ok.

1. I absolutely adore abysmal grocery store romance novels and ludicrously campy erotica. You know the books which you wouldn’t be caught dead in public with? Like say Humper County Vampires or the Oklahoma Space Odyssey. Reading books about down home countrified vampires not your thing? Then how about a ‘classy’ romantic novel which indulges in banal stereotypes about Native Americans, like say, Gentle Rogue or A Loving Scoundrel? Of course, books with Fabio on the cover are a shoo-in for taking campiness to unscaled heights. They’re pure gold, I kid you not.

2. Gaming. Yeah, I’m a gaming geek. If you paid attention to the description in my profile, the word ‘gamer’ silently and innocuously appeared alongside my other blogger profile descriptives, a few months ago. Now I’m not talking about the sports games like Forza/Madden/MLB etc. while I do enjoy a sports game every once in a while, that’s not what I *really* play all the time. And a note to people who go around calling themselves gamers and play only the aforementioned sports games. Get over yourself. You.are.not.a.gamer. Yes, now go ahead and have that hissy fit.

Coming back to the gaming genres *I* like (god, I can’t not rant, can I?), I love the action/adventure genre, followed by over the shoulder shooters and then RPGs and then first person shooters. Right, didn’t I tell you I was a gaming geek? Be happy, I haven’t started listing out the games. By console. Yet.

3. I love food and I also love to cook. I have a manic fondness for foie gras (I have only had it four times. Four, glorious times). I know, I'm vile and dreadful and yes, I’m currently sort-of vegetarian, but FOIE GRAS!

4. Swimming.

5. Coffee. In almost all its glorious avatars. Especially Tanzanian Peaberry and Jamaican Blue Mountain, brewed just right and drunk black, of course. Without sugar, though. I hate sugar.

6. A clean house. With clean, dry, restrooms. And before you go oh ‘like you’re so clean, miss spoilt brat’ let me remind you that I am possibly the most anal person on this planet. Yes I am ‘that’ clean and I cannot survive otherwise.

7. TV and rubbish reality shows. I can actually watch ‘I Love New York’ without wanting to fling something at the telly. Although, I must admit that I felt the urge to vomit every five seconds or so. But hey.

8. Anime. Good anime and manga. Please, don’t confuse anime with hentai or borderline hentai type anime or manga with big globs of tentacle porn or questionable sex with lizard men, for god’s sake.

9. Whips.

10. Winter. There’s something about cold weather which makes me deliriously happy.

There. One meme down, three to go (eep!).

I’m not going to tag anyone specific, BUT since this post has become a haven of positivity and all, I want it to reach orgy-ish proportions (see, I want to share the love!), so what I want YOU to do, O’ long suffering readers/ commenters is to leave comments listing out the stuff you like. Yeah, it’s that simple. This way, we can all bask in the saccharine positivity of this post! Woot!

And silent readers (if I have any, bah), this is your opportunity to delurk. So delurk away and tell me what you like. Go on, leave a comment.