3/2/08

And now for something deeply personal.

There are good days and then there are bad days.

On the good days, you notice the sun shining bright upon your face, you see the sunlight reflected in the snow, you feel great in a schlubby sweatshirt, salt stained jeans and worn pumas and you like the way you look, hair all pulled back and held in a headband and a face devoid of any makeup. Classes are enjoyable; even Mr. Mean old troglodyte’s class isn’t as torturous as usual. You head over to Starbucks after class and order a tall house. As the hot drink permeates your senses and the caffeine starts kicking in, you roll the sip of coffee in your mouth and revel in its taste. Everything seems beauteous and all is well with the world.

On the bad days, and I mean bad, you feel hopeless, devoid of all meaning for existence. You lie in bed, eyes wide open, and you feel the clangs of the radiator rattle you to your very bones. You do not want to go to class; you do not want to take a shower, heck you don’t even want to move. You lie there, stuck to the mattress as if your back was hosed in super glue. There is no physical manifestation of sickness, of course not, but the terrible listlessness gnaws at your insides like a symbiotic parasite, rendering you dead, unable to function.

You finally crawl out of bed, twenty minutes before class- it’s at 3pm, pull on your clothes listlessly and make sure that you wear the biggest sweatshirt that you can possibly find. You want to hide under the hood of your sweatshirt, you want to be invisible. You step into the restroom, and check yourself before you look in the mirror. You feel your intestines knotting itself in dread. You take a deep breath and stare at your reflection. You feel a swift whoosh of hate in your stomach at what you see. Your hair is messy and a little greasy, your skin looks dreadful – oh magnificent, another breakout, and you feel like a pox on the face of humanity. You quickly tear yourself away from the mirror and sink even lower into your hooded sweatshirt. Invisibility would be nice.

On the bad days, the despondency settles upon you like a shroud. Everything seems doomed to failure, you wonder if you will ever while away the time with your friends again, you wonder if you will ever partake in that alien concept known as a social life. You chafe at the notion of a single rational thought, of the will to just pick up that phone and call your mother, of the simplicity of dressing nice, of the effortless intricacies involved in just applying a little makeup, you wonder at your ghastly inability to do the things you used to do and take for granted. You feel the parasite within you getting stronger as the awful gnawing refuses to go away.

Suddenly you feel dreadfully alone. But paradoxically, you tremble at the thought of social gatherings and any form of interaction with other human beings, and you start avoiding them like an affliction. You retreat even further into yourself and feel the miasma of loneliness strangle your senses. You realize that you have created a vicious cycle of avoidance and paralyzing seclusion. You realize that you are fast disappearing, disappearing into a twilight zone of your own creation, with no possible exit looming in the distance.

Utterly listless, hopeless and a despondency bordering on hysteria, interspersed with a sliver of hope every now and then. An existence fraught with insomnia and a feeling of complete ineffectuality.

And then, a friend calls. Forces you to attend a party. You break down. You have forgotten how it is to feel pretty. To wear beautiful clothes. To slip your feet into delicately strapped sandals and feel alive. To catch the light reflected by your shiny hair in the mirror and feel like you own the world. You cry, not because you are not any of those things, you cry because you have forgotten how to be those things. You cry at your inability to participate in an activity you used to consider ordinary. You cry with shame and fear and a little bit of anger at your uselessness, at this beast which stands between you and the elusive state of feeling normal.

In a surprising act of willpower bolstered by a strong jolt of anger, you wipe away your tears and step into the shower. You get dressed and do your hair. As you start applying your makeup, you feel a rush of happiness at the familiarity of your actions. You pick up the lip gloss like a long lost friend, and start applying it to your lips with a growing sense of ease. You put on your earrings and slip into your sandals.

As you are dancing away at the party with your friends, you want to break down and cry at the happiness coursing through your veins. Tonight, the pall of gloom and doom has been rendered nonexistent. Tonight, you think with a flush of pleasure, you feel at the top of the world.

And thus you garner the strength to trudge on, to go a little further. Proud stoicism in the face of despondency or not, you will go on, you will feel and live and move and just be.

Post Script: This post is almost certainly the most personal entry I’ve ever made on this blog. This has been a microcosm of my life lately, since November 2007 at least. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to look at my blog, and the fact that my blog languished in my long absences only made me feel worse. But I forced myself to look at a computer screen and just write. I hoped that the process of writing would be cathartic in itself.

And you know what? It actually is.

73 comments:

La vida Loca said...

Sweetie *Hugs
Hope you feel better soon.

*Hugs again.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ La Vida Loca: Thank you so much, really.

*gives a big tall person hug*

DufusMaximus said...

Wow, that was an amazingly accurate and insightful description of the 'bad days'. Your despondency -> blog post -> our joy.

I sometimes really like those periods. Time stands still, and if you have the inner certainity that things will ultimately get back to routine, you can almost savor the detachment.

anantha said...

Hope you are feeling better already!

Unmana said...

I hope you have many more good days than bad.

Ragnell said...

Wow. I've been feeling the same way lately.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Dufusmaximus: Thanks. Unfortunately, I cannot step back and think clearly when I'm feeling despondent. I just want the feeling to end, you know?

@ Anantha: Baby steps.

@ Unmana: Thanks, I hope so too.

@ Ragnell: Grah, tell me about it! Maybe we should meet up and drown our sorrows in alcoholic beverages. Heh. But in all seriousness, hang in there, I know how it feels. And feel free to drop me a line if it ever gets beyond awful.

anantha said...

Btw, ping me when you are online. Remember our conversation a few weeks ago?

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel..

Archana

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Anantha: Will do. :)

@ Archana: *big hug* you aren't alone.

Neodawn said...

Wishing you cross the turbulent bridge sooner...

Silvara said...

hey babe - i know the feeling so so well....last night i broke down because i couldn't fit into my business skirt and today was my first day of work. i felt totally hopeless.

i got a call from my sis at 11pm to wish me luck and as she talked...i felt so much better....

this morning, i put on my skirt (it fit!) and felt so so happy....


so after all that random rambling....*hugs* :D

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Neodawn: I will, I will. *hug*

@ Silvara: Jeez, I know. I broke down because I had a breakout on my forehead right before a party. Like broke down and bawled. But I was fine once I got dressed. I hate this. *hugs*

closetconfessions said...

Been there. Done that.
And am sure that I will go there & do that again.

Hope you're feeling better & are back for good. or a really long time. :)

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Broom: I know, eh. Its just maddening. And thanks a ton yo. *hugs*

Rohini said...

Don't know what to say. Started off but it just sounded false and trite.

Just sending a big hug your way and hoping you feel better soon...

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Rohini: Big hug to you too. And dont worry about sounding weird or trite. You came by and dropped a line, and that means a lot. Trust me. :)

RT said...

you sound like my baaad pregnancy mood swingy days.. ! No better way I would have described that..

*hugs* at the risk of sounding cliched , this too shall pass..
take care..:)

gooddaysunshine said...

Aw I hope you feel better soon..hugs

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ RT: Thanks and *hugs*. I want it to pass. Sigh.

@ Gooddaysunshine: Thank you! *hug*

GettingThereNow said...

Sending hugs and warm wishes your way. Hope you sort everything out quickly.

apu said...

phew. that sounds like a terrible time you're going through. i hope you feel better soon.

Imemoir said...

HUGS

I always liked u and missed ur blogs.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Cee-Kay: Thank you so much. *hugs*

@ Apu: I hope so too, and thanks.

@ imemoir: Aww, hugs to you too! I'll get back in the groove, soon enough. I just needed to get this out of my system, you know?

silbil said...

Love and prayers and a sincere wish for everything nice and hopful for you...
you're one of the hundred blogs that i read but one of the very few that actually matter...

hugs

Anonymous said...

hey, hope you are feeling better. give it time, it'll all settle. :)

Tara.

Nits said...

Ohhh - I hope the hopefulness continues. Friends visit your blog - post/ no post. And that's how life is too. Friends are there - hope or no hope. Take care.

Pri said...

personal posts are the best. i could relate a little too much to everything.

*hug* if you're into hugging. i'm not but virtual hugs are easy.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Silbil: Thank you so much. And you flatter me, :D.

@ Tara: Thanks, I hope so too.

@ Nits: I know. Its just, weird. I'm not used to feeling this way. And thanks, you.

@ Pri: Virtual hugs are perfect. *hug* You could relate huh? Join the manic club then. :)

mumbaigirl said...

Been there and done that too and doing a bit of it now in fact. Don't ever feel alone. Sounds trite, but we're there for you. TRULY

Primalsoup said...

Achcho. Orrey personal post va? Too much-u! ;)
Let us talk soon, I think I can give you some cheery news.

chronicworrier said...

Hang in there. Do you know that it's already tomorrow in Australia? :-D

Y said...

Hey Punkster,

Sending all sorts of happy thoughts and vibes your way right now...

Here, Catch!!

:-)

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ Mumbaigirl: Thank you so much! And thanks a ton for reducing me to blub, with your awesomeness. *hug*

@ Primal: Cheery news aa? Now I'm suddenly afraid. ;)

@ CW: Thanks, you. And I know! :)

@ Y: *dives and catches* thanks, muchly!

Saltwater Blues said...

... arre yaar, itna lamba post likhne ki koi zaroorat nahin. if you wanted a hug all you had to do was ask! :)

chalo, here's one more. and i throw in a kiss too ... Muahhhhhh!

Anurag said...

I'll send you a hug and happy thoughts if you transfer $25 to my PayPal account. For $10 you can also have thoughts bordering on happy but not quite.

Hurry!

Anonymous said...

The latest exchange at Nevermind's space brought me here.
So glad that the sun is coming out from behind the clouds again. Take care. It will be a beautiful year yet.

~N.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

@ SB: Aww, Sb, you make me blush. *hugs back*

@ Anurag: Oho! Snuffling out a money making opportunity even when I'm down eh?

@ ~N: Your comment almost brought me to tears. In a good way. Thank you.

Nishant Chandgotia said...

Hye,
Your posts sort of send shivers down my spine.Me a self righteous male. Quite straightforward and very expressive.

And now about this post...
Swing of moods. Can make you go through so much .."On the good days, you notice the sun shining bright upon your face,"
On the bad days, and I mean bad, you feel hopeless, devoid of all meaning for existence. You lie in bed, eyes wide open, and you feel the clangs of the radiator rattle you to your very bones.
True true...

Anonymous said...

Hope you feel a lot better now. A recent lurker and enjoyed all your posts. Embarassed to say that I do fit the male prototype you have outlined in some posts- albeit a long time ago when in India. Right now am very liberal in my views and am altruistic in my judgements. Agree with your observations.

Unmana said...

I have been feeling this way lately - and without reason. I hope you're better now.

And I'm still waiting for you to do the tag. :)

siva said...

probably the first post in your blog to not attract any troll comments.maybe you should think of writing more such posts but then they are not even half as fun as your normal posts.

Renovatio said...

Took me a bit to pull myself out of my own low and write here. It is actually healing, in a way. Writing about it made me realize I was really happy. Very much so.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. Hope you're not bipolar or depressed or something. Have you checked? Might be worth thinking about.

But yes I get the bad days. I sit around for hours, surf the net, pick fights, don't leave the house, don't even eat properly, don't call anyone, sleep at 3 because I'm randomly surfing channels etc. The scary thing si that such bad days can go on for several days, even weeks. With me, they've intensified since being a student because I think the days are more unstructured. I call it my fugue period and find keeping busy and structured and having deadlines and appointments, even if you odn't take them seriously really helps.

Anyway, stay cool.

n!

bendinggender said...

all very best in the journey out of this phase. take care.

Mahogany said...

Hey, you disappeared again! Come back, won't you? It's a lot less fun around here when you're not around.

Aditya said...

is this like an epidemic?

most people i talk to (including myself) feel this way!!

hope you are already feeling better... take care

Sue said...

Ok, see now, I didn't comment the first time I read this post because I thought, hey, personal moment here, let's not spoil it with my legendary ham-handedness.

But let's post soon, eh? So I am no longer tempted to be ham-handed and go comment safely on another post?

And... and... well, stay well. Is all.

nevermind said...

At the risk of sounding like a cliche, this too, will pass, and feel like minor shit 5 yrs down the line. Mostly. And you have 48 people (now 49) telling you they adore you, truly, madly, deeply:) So more lip gloss, pretty clothes, and dancing shoes, please. Wokay?

Anonymous said...

Generally life turns out much much better after such periods. Relax and be patient, you will have the "never better feeling". The sun shine and the spring spirit will make you feel better.

Generally this happens during winter and especially if you spend too much time indoors.

Its been so long that I forgot my pwd.. can u believe it ?

tc,

vasu

Rohini said...

Post another one already!

The Soul of Alec Smart said...

Hey punkster,

I've been reading your blog for a looong time now.. ever since I stumbled upon it through the Freaky Chakra's blog some time during the Ice Age. Your long hiatus from blogging isn't liked by devotees like me.. so please come back quick. Hope you get back into kickass form once again, after you sort out the personal issues.

PS: Also blogrolled you.. hope you wouldn't mind.

- N

Madame Mahima said...

i swear to god..sometimes i feel like we're the same person living on different continents.
(gosh how crazy do i sound?)
this blog pretty much summed up everything thats been going on in my life since the past few months.
weird huh?

i guess writing really is cathartic in a way.

ravikant said...

You heard the smart-alec, delivering 100% punk since my freaky-chakra days :)

Keep walking tall, living can be a bitch.

Abhijit said...

Interesting posts...very nice blog design!!

Gypsy said...

gotta agree with that last comment. just wandered into ur blog and woah! there you are talking about how i generally feel! :) awesome post. hope ur doing great now.

That Armchair Philosopher said...

Well Hello. LTNS and all that. How're you doing?

Are you going to be back into the willie-nillies of feminism anytime soon? There's a very interesting person I came across who I'm sure you'll have strong opinions about :))

the wannabe indian punkster said...

I'm barely surviving. But. You guys are awesome sauce. Thats all I have to say for now. This may sound redundant, but I'll be back. *hugs everyone*

Anonymous said...

For you.
http://www.blueyze.us/hopeyoudance.html

Happiness,
~N.

shankarkotkar said...

Hope that you must have come out of this situation.Life is a cycle of bad and good events.Don't worry face it bravely.

La vida Loca said...

if i threaten never to visit ur blog and comment ever again will u post something..anything???
Here take some coffee, amaretto sours, chocolates and hugs.. POST. NOW.

Anonymous said...

Hey Megha, come back na?
P

Anonymous said...

Hey Megha,
Hope everything is fine..

Archana

MADHAVI said...

Hi Megha,
I hope you feel better now. think positive and be optimistic. whatever you feel things may happen with you same way. so feel happy and enjoy. good day|

visit my site:www.sharvarionline.com

La vida Loca said...

come pick up an award

Rohini said...

Oi! You ok in there?

There's something for you over at my blog

Primalsoup said...

Hmpfh!

Toothy said...

Hmmmm ... What's up girl ? Hadn't looked at your blog for a while. My fault really.

I do wonder what got you down so bad. I do hope it was perhaps the sheer boredom ? But damn, it sounds more like you didn't believe in yourself.

For what its worth, you are exceptionally good and loved by everyone. And, so what, if your wishes seem just out of your grasp.

Oh, and lest I forget, all great writers do this once in a while, but they are bounce back just the same.

Best wishes for a beautiful life and may your dreams come true ASAP if they haven't already.

Anonymous said...

when are you coming back?

yaseench said...

why u wanna be punkster?

nevermind said...

Hi Megha, hope all well with you. Take care.

GettingThereNow said...

You OK?

jayanthi said...

i can absolutely relate to each and every line in your post in truest sense.you have put down things amazingly well.take care !!